i'm talking to you.

conclusion

2011-07-29T06:50:00.001-07:00

Puji Tuhan! Praise the Lord. I am so thankful for this summer. After being back stateside for nearly 3 weeks, after seeing my closest friends, loved ones and family, I am still missing Merauke.

This summer I anticipated heartache and loneliness along with great adventure. I stepped out of a crazy semester of work, RA, exams and papers... onto an airplane to other side of the world. If I was honest with myself, I was terrified. Based on other overseas experiences, I expected to be lonely and challenged in that loneliness. It is so funny how the Lord often does just the opposite of what we expect or await.

When people ask me what I miss most about Indonesia, though it may sound cliche, I miss my friends. I miss the relationships that the Lord allowed in my short 7 week summer. When I expected loneliness in a foreign country, the Lord gave me loving friends, surrogate parents and a network of like-minded believers. I found myself often laughing at the Lord, laughing at the work He was doing that was so different from my expectations.

It would takes pages and pages to write to you all of the prayers that God specifically answered. Thank you for praying with me and for me. This summer was truly an answer to prayer in more ways than one.

I had uninterrupted time every morning and every night to spend with Jesus. Such a change from busy fast-paced dorm life.

This summer was a clear confirmation about my future in missions. Though I prayed for this summer to be an answer to prayer and confirmation in my calling, I was really actually fearful that I would get to Merauke and realize how I wasn't "cut out for it". Quite the contrary. I found that in (almost) every new opportunity, relationship and challenge I was growing more and more excited about doing this for life.

I prayed to live with a family and see missionary life firsthand. And even in this, the Lord answered so abundantly. I got to do life with so many neat missionary families. I got to witness the the lives of 30-year veteran missionaries, 10-year missionaries, brand new missionaries to the field and even a couple doing a vision trip for their possible future in missions. The Lord not only answered my prayer, but He knew far past my need and answered above and beyond what I could even think to ask for. Praise Him.

I would love to go on and on about the ways in which God worked His ways. Just not enough time or space, nor are words really adequately descriptive enough. The thing that I most thankful for this summer, and desire most to share with you, is that there is still a need. I saw firsthand a city of lost people, sprinkled with the hope of true believers working for the harvest. I witnessed a once Christian island, now flourishing with mosques and Muslims. I also got to see the Lord work in the lives of 100+ Indonesian youth as they threw their sins into the fire and committed their lives to truly follow our great creator God.

So often I tell people what I want to do with my life, and I met with a tilted head and perplexed look. I do not know where the Lord will send me. I do not really know exactly what I will be doing. What I do know is that the world is lost, and the Lord has put His light in me that I might proclaim Him to the nations.

Praise the Lord that He has given us a way to Him, that He has given all people of all nations a way to Him. "For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright, and godly lives in the present age, waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possessions who are zealous for good works. Declare these things; exhort and rebuke with all authority. Let no one disregard you." -Titus 2:11-15

going home

2011-07-08T21:02:00.000-07:00

My seven weeks spent serving and working and living and adventuring in Meruake has come to its end. I was so thankful for my many friends that came to the airport to see me off. The Indonesian people are so loving and hospitable… even until my very last moment in their city. My departure was met with hand shakes, hugs, laughter and of course, on my part, tears. As I stepped through the secuirty gate I was so blurry eyed that I forgot to put my luggage through the belt and was met with loud beeping from the detector. I sat in the waiting lounge holding my tears in, waiting for a moment of safety to release my sadness. As they called our flight, I walked among all the other passangers across the runway to the plane glistening on the cement in the heat, and then I realized the beauty of my tears. Yes I was sad to go, to say goodbye to the many friends that had become like family to me. I was sad to say goodbye to ministry opportunities and relationships, sad to say goodbye to a place that has become like home to me. And then it hit me… this should not be sadness at all, but rather joy. Joy because of all the great things that the Lord had done. I shall take these tears and give them to the Lord in praise. What worth is my sadness, when in reality the tears are a sign of God’s goodness. My tears were a sign of answered prayer. If I had no sadness about leaving, no relationships to be left, no opportunities to say goodbye too, then that would be true sadness, despair even. But instead the tears were a sign that God had done many great and new things, that His faithfulness had indeed been present in my summer, and these tears were meant to praise Him! It was so difficult to leave because the things that I had asked God for at the beginning of the summer had come to pass. Praise the Lord for my tears. And then… my tears cleared up, and I was overcome with joy, rejoicing in His goodness. How sweet a moment it is when we discover that prayers once cried out, our prayers now answered in full and marvelous ways. Quite a humbling experience. I would love to share with you the ways that God answered prayer, but for sake of names and specifics, I will refrain from posting it online. But if we see eachother… ask me! I would love to tell of the great things that the Lord has done. Thank you for partnering with me in prayer. These are not only my prayers answered, but yours as well! Let us praise the Lord together!

We Are Given Reason to Praise

2011-06-23T16:31:00.000-07:00

There is always reason to praise God. Unfortunately, I forget this important truth everyday, multiple times a day, hourly, minutely even. I forget to rejoice in all things, to give thanks in all circumstances, I forget to offer up praise for His goodness that is ever present. The Lord in His goodness occasionally gives me moments when I can not forget to praise, nor can I even force the thought of praise away. These are moments of God’s faithfulness, His majesty wrapped into a tiny wedge of human time, perfectly tangible and wonderfully mysterious. Perhaps you know what I am talking about. A moment when everything seems to stand still as God reveals to you how good He truly is. Of course God is always good, but as humans, sinners, I think that we are weak to recognize it. And yet ever so often I glance God’s goodness as so close, so near to me, and I am reminded to praise.
This past week I spent Sunday in the village of Torai, two hours inland from Merauke. This is a village of Yei people, a tribe known in the past for their headhunting and cannibalism. Though a missionary has never lived among the Yei people, except for a catholic priest in the early 1900’s, TEAM missionaries managed to plant a church in Torai. Today the church consists of at least 40 members, two of whom have been trained at the local TEAM Bible school in Merauke (where Craig and Shirley teach, my host family). The Yei people do not look like they did 50 years ago. Though they wear clothing now, they still live mainly as hunters and gatherers in spacious wooden homes, cooking over open fires and hunting with large handmade bamboo bow and arrows. There main food staple is a starch that comes out of the sago palm tree. Everyone describes sago to be like glue, white and chewy and lacking in any nutritional value. The Yei people char grill a ball of the sago in the fire and eat the charred outer layer, before throwing it in the fire again for another round of grilling.
Back to the topic of praise, the Yei people are a reminder to me of God’s great plan of redemption and His incredible saving love. Sitting in the small yellow church on a thin wooden pew, I sat by an open window, resting my head on my arm and looking out into the village as we sang praises to God in Indonesian. “Haleylujah Puji Tuhan” rang out with clapping excitement accompanied by the strum of a guitar. I was overwhelmed at the goodness of God in this moment. I recognized then that there I was, a young woman far different in culture, color, heritage and lifestyle from those whose village I was visiting, and yet we all could call ourselves children of the Most High God. As our different voices rang out in that small open church, I was awed at God’s incredible ability to save people from every tribe, tongue and nation. Praise the Lord. God is not simply in the business of making white American churches grow. He is in the business of making His church colorful, bright and unique in every way possible among every people possible. I want to be in this business with Him.
A few nights later I was back in Merauke, when my friend and I stopped at a church to see the local youth choir practicing. The church was simple and white, though the inside had a vaulted ceiling that made the acoustics quite good. The choir was about 50 young people, some Papuan, some Indonesian, a few Chinese, all with different shades of dark skin and all with hearts for the Lord. The choir began practicing an English song about one day living with God. It was powerful and they were obviously all very talented. Then they moved onto a song in Indonesian. I have no idea what the words were that the choir was singing, but the sound of their voices in harmony, working together literally took my breath away. The choir was divided by their parts and sitting in separate sections. The highest soprano sang her part over all the others, weaving her words into the booming sounds with perfection. In that moment time really did stand still, well… actually it didn’t but I wished with all my might that it would. I felt as though the Lord was bathing me in His praise, my soul being swung up into the sound of voices perfectly in unison and harmony working together to make such beautiful noise. It struck me as the sounds bounced powerfully within the church walls, that it is only by intelligent design that humans would have the ability to use their different vocal chords and voices to make such an incredible sound. It is only by our great Creator God that human voices can resound with such prayers of praise.
I think to myself as I see the sunset through the breezy palms every night on the ride home that God does not need me to bring Him praise, for He is very capable of it Himself. In creation, in nature, in sounds and colors and all things good, God is worthy of praise. And yet he offers me the opportunity, the privilege, to lift up my voice and praise Him among the murals of creation already orchestrating their songs to Him. Let us praise the Lord.

welcome to merauke

2011-06-08T22:47:00.000-07:00

Selemat sori! As I ride on the back of the motorcycle everyday to and from work, I think to myself that I wish each of you could see how unique and beautiful this place is. So I have decided that I would like to paint a picture with words so that you may see a bit of this land that I am living in. As I write I am sitting in a brightly painted purple office of the community center (PKM) where I work. Just outside the door a gecko is slithering quickly across the wall and I can smell smoke from the neighbors burning garbage. I hear motorcycles zooming by and a few honking horns.
The house to the right of the PKM is made with different walls of rusted metal, a painted purple plaster like substance, and the other walls are of teal painted plywood. The chickens walk the grass between our community center and their home freely. A nearby family brings their gang of goats to graze, all tied together with long lengths of rope. One of the goats is a new born and awkwardly runs from me anytime I come close. The neighborhood boys like to ride horses around with bridles made of rope and perhaps a folded towel for a saddle. The horses are miniature with messy looking caramel brown hair. A few days ago a boy lost hold of his horse and we watched as is it ran past the community center into the road of speeding motorcycles, bridle still in its mouth, little boy hustling behind, many steps behind. I wonder if he ever got his horse back?
The house that I live in is white with bright blue columns and sky blue windows and doors. I sleep in a small room with fresh white walls and bright blue curtains that are constantly blowing in the breeze. My windows are always open. The palms of the coconut tress spread their arms out over the lawn, and women from the Bible school down the way come by and ask for coconuts on a weekly basis. The men and women at the Bible school are from Papuan tribes along the south coast and the interior. The men come from their villages to study the Bible here under the instruction of local Christians and missionaries. The Bible school is just down the road from my house, and I can see its bright blue walls and the many young children playing in the yard from the front porch. The children are young and dirty, precious and smiley with bare feet and dark skin. My first week here I went over to their yard to play, drawing pictures in the dirt and having them tell me the Indonesian word for flower, butterfly, sun and so on.
Our house is about a 15 minute motorcycle ride from the city center, for we are settled out in the “countryside”. The ride takes me along bumpy roads in desperate need of restoration, passing by homes and storefronts with bright painted walls. As we drive by, people stop to stare at the only blonde girl in the city. Dogs stand in the road almost unafraid of the many motorcycles and large off-road vehicles passing by. The cats meander around missing their tails, or with tails bent and twisted oddly from who knows what. The motorcycle comes to a slow speed as cows cross the road, some marked with rough looking brands of the initials of their owners. A deer is tied on a leash in his owner’s yard while he grazes on the grass that will plump him up to eating size.
To get into the city we take a long road through swampy fields, that is soon to be part of the small airport’s extended airstrip. The road, though extremely bumpy and in need of repair, is a beautiful sight for me every time. As far as I can look to my left and to my right, I see a sky of cumulous clouds and palm tress stretching for miles. A few motorists have pulled to the side, as they wade in the swampy marsh for fish, using small nets and keeping their catch in black plastic garbage bags. They wade in the waters, surrounded by lily pads, large shiny motorcycle helmets still on their heads.
As we enter town, young children in uniforms are walking to school distracted and curious looking as most children are. Some of the kids have tan skin with straight hair while other are the darker skinned Papuan kids with coarse curly hair. Vendors line the streets advertising their daily eats of chicken, fish, duck, rice, noodles and soup. Some vendors cook on grills under large advertising tarps, while some have pushcarts with large windows stacked with fresh fried treats. Other vendors pile their snacks in a crate on the back of their motorcycles, while another man selling meatballs honks his little bicycle horn letting people know he has come.
We continue through town to the PKM and pass by shops selling “American Urban Jeans” and stylish long saris for the local Muslim women. I see girls wearing jeans and long sleeve shirts, with gloves on their hands to hide their skin from the darkening sun. Other women have on head coverings with intricate beaded designs. Only on Fridays can I discern a Christian man from a Muslim, for the Muslim men put on their traditional garb and head to the mosques for Friday prayers. At this hour on Friday the Muslim men zoom by on their cycles one and after the other, while the call to prayer echoes loudly from the closest mosque.
Among the shops and vendors, there are also many religious buildings down the streets. There are mosques, both small and large, with the typical dome like architecture topped with spires and intercoms for prayer calls. Then there are a few large ornate catholic churches, a few large colorful protestant churches, and many small simple looking churches, all marked with a cross. Down the road from my house there is also a large Buddhist temple. Just the sight of the differing places of worship gives one a good idea of the religious atmosphere of Merauke.
I do not feel like my words adequately draw a picture of the unique beauty of this place. Many people told me before I arrived here that Merauke was an ugly land of swamp and mud, and yet I find it beautiful. The beach is somewhat disappointing, erosion and tide changes having caused it to look a bit like a waste land. But Merauke, the swamps included, is wonderful. Perhaps I feel this way because in the city of Chicago I hardly see a patch of grass, much less a forest of coconut and banana tress. Merauke is alive with green and the people are friendly and inviting. Although I may never get used to the smell of smoke and gasoline in the air, I will always enjoy the smell of hot frying tofu or simmering coconut chicken with vegetables. Today Ibu (meaning mother) Augastina (the woman who cooks our noon meal and laughs a hardy laugh at me every minute she gets) is making curry chicken, meaning that she is not using curry powder, but is in fact making the curry itself! Delicious.
I hope this long wordy description gives some of you a better picture of young wide-eyed me living on the other side of the world in Merauke :)

fear

2011-06-03T02:27:00.000-07:00

What an adventure I am on. Since I have been here in Indonesia, and the many weeks leading up to my departure the Lord has been working through the place in my heart where I hoard all my fears. Fears of the unknown, fears of the difficult, fears of the practical and impractical scenarios that one’s mind plays over and over again… at least that my mind plays over and over again. I tend to justify my fears as legitimate because they are practical.

I think to myself, motorcycles are dangerous so I will never ride on a motorcycle, because being in danger is bad and it scares me. But here in Indonesia, especially in Merauke, motorcycles are the main means of transportation. The first morning I realized I was going to have ride on the back of my friend’s motorcycle I was scared. Fear gripped me. I snug my helmet down over my head and saddled up like I was good to go, all the while my insides were churning. As we rolled on our way my grip tightened and my muscles were stiff… I was sure we were going to die. The potholes stared at me from the road with big black imaginary eyes, like they were just waiting to flip us over. And then I remembered, the Lord is my strength and my shield, in whom I trust. I have to commit my way to him, even this way, this bumpy road that I am on, on the back of a motorcycle.

This motorcycle scenario, though very real to me, may not be a big deal to you. Perhaps you love riding motorcycles. But I am sure that in all of our lives there are times when we allow fear to grip us and hold us tightly while we excuse it as practical fear. I have to ride on the back of a motorcycle to get ministry done here. That is the simple truth. I can either do it fearfully, dreading it daily, and allowing anxiety to fill up my heart… or I can decide that even with this seemingly small area of practical fear, I will commit it to the Lord. He knows the potholes in the road better than the one driving the motorcycle. He knows my way better than I do. The Lord desires for us to commit all of our ways to him and all of our fears.

When we commit our fears to the Lord, even the small fears that seem to be so legitimate and practical, he then frees up our minds and hearts to dwell on him and his goodness. “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you” Isaiah 26:3

jakarta!

2011-05-22T03:55:00.000-07:00

Hi friends and family, I write to you from Jakarta, the capital city of Indonesia! I praise the Lord for his safety and favor as I have traveled half way across the world. Tonight I will fly to my final destination, Merauke on the island of Papua, where I will be spending the remainder of my summer.

During TEAMServe orientation in Wheaton, before my departure a few days ago, we took a few quiet minutes to reflect and hear from God between lectures and activities. Psalm 73:23-28 was read aloud and verses 23-24 stuck out to me. God comforted me as I imagined myself walking through a foreign airport all alone, His hand in mine, leading me on, reminding me that I belong to Him, and to Him alone. I opened my journal and began jotting down what comfort God was giving me, that no matter where I go, I belong to Him and He holds my right hand. As I was writing I looked down and saw the little ring on my right hand, a recent gift, engraved with 1 Corinthians 6:19, a reminder that I am not my own, that I belong to God. What a sweet moment where the Lord used both His word and a tangible ring on my finger to remind me that as I go forth on this adventure in Indonesia, I belong to Him. What confidence we have in Jesus!

That said, I feel thankful and blessed for the safety the Lord has given me on my travels. I flew from Chicago to Frankfurt on Thursday and spent a little time on Friday exploring Frankfurt… until I realized how lonely solo exploring is and so I made my way back to the airport and found a seat to sleep on. After a long 12 hour layover, I boarded a 12 hour flight to Jakarta. To my surprise, the plane actually landed in Singapore, and then from Singapore I boarded the same plane on to Jakarta. In Jakarta I met up with Nathan Jansen. my supervisor for the summer and we ate dinner at A&W... what a funny first Indonesian meal (Even funnier is that for lunch today we ate at Chili’s and for dinner it’s pizza hut! All this American food because once we get to Merauke, I hear we are at the end of the world with no American eats in sight… cool!). After getting to our guesthouse I was able to meet Nathan’s wife Harmony and his two young kids, Andre and Gabriella. What a neat family. We spent the day today relaxing in the living room, while the kids played toys and we chatted some about missions with another missionary staying at the guesthouse. The afternoon was spent at a local mall looking at gifts and crafts and other neat Indonesian goods. Now it is nap time.

While in route from Frankfurt to Jakarta, functioning on little sleep with crampy knees and swollen airplane feet, I began to worry that maybe I don’t really like traveling and seeing the world as much as I thought, maybe I am going to get to Indo and hate it. I got a little worried until I drifted off into another head-bobbing nap. Upon arrival here in Jakarta I am reminded that I do love this. I think that maybe I don’t love flying in airplanes as much as I thought, especially for 12 hours at a time. But just being in a foreign country, the smells, the new faces, the customs and the new language, the different weather patterns and the food, it is all an exciting adventure! Not to say that there are not frustrations or difficulties, there are. But I am so glad to be here, excited to learn, to listen, to watch and grow, and hopefully to do a little ministry :)

indo or bust!

2011-05-06T12:13:00.000-07:00

indonesia or bust!

2011-05-06T12:04:00.000-07:00

This summer I will be living and serving in Merauke, Indonesia on the island of Papua (way under Japan, and above Australia!). It is an incredible opportunity for me to live among and learn from missionaries who have been on the island serving for many years. If you know me at all, you probably know that my dream job is to be a missionary in some far off unreached place that has yet to hear of Jesus Christ. This summer is a stepping stone to that dream! This summer I will get to live like a missionary, and see how the missionary life really is, what ministry is like, what it looks like to raise a family on the field and so on. I will get to use my gifts in the areas of children's ministry, women's ministry, relationships, art, hospitality and even coffee! There is so much more to say! I wish I could sit with you over a cup of coffee and tell you of the opportunities God has provided this summer.

Want to support me? Want to pray for me? Here's how...

By Mail: You can mail check or cash to the TEAM International headquarters. Checks should be made out to TEAM with my name “Noelle Strickland” on the memo line.

TEAM

P.O. Box 969

Wheaton, IL 60187-0969

USA

By Phone: You can also make credit card contributions by phone. The number to do this is 1-800-343-3144

Online: To give online you can go to www.TeamWorld.org. Click “Give”, then “Give Online Now”, then “To Give Online Now Click Here” then “Give Now”. Look for my name “Strickland, Noelle” in the drop-down menu under “Missionaries and Staff”. Please note that the credit card companies will take 3% of your donation, but 97% of it will go straight into my Indonesia account.

All giving is tax deductible.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Please pray…

*Pray that I would cling to Jesus. Pray that this time overseas would be time spent sweetly with the Lord. Pray that I would cling to Him in both ease and difficulty, in monotony and adventure. Pray for intimacy in my relationship with the Lord.

*Pray for the people that I am working with in Meruake. 20% of Meruake’s population is Muslim and we hope to reach these people for the Gospel , as well as others outside of the Church. Pray for tender and teachable hearts.

*Pray for my relationships with both missionaries and local Christians whom I will be partnering with. Pray against division. Pray for true fellowship and love among us, as well as effective communication.

*Pray for safe travel, safety on the field and good health for me and my teammates.

*Please pray that the Lord would use this trip to confirm my calling and direct my future. Pray that I would have a teachable and willing heart to follow wherever the Lord may lead.

*Pray for the youth camp and the community center, that they would be effective means of reaching the nation for Christ.

let us think on love

2011-04-29T10:50:00.000-07:00

I am currently in the library swimming in a sea of books in a very dark corner cubby. And yet, I am satisfied. I am attempting to write a paper on Union with Christ as it pertains to the earthly marriage between a man and a woman. I want to write I think on the uniqueness of the bond of "one-flesh" as is used to describe both Christ and His church and a man and his bride. I am trembling (almost literally) and anxious because I usually do not do what is hard (academically speaking), I like to write about things I already know... on this I know hardly anything, really nothing, nada. But the mystery of the content has intrigued me, especially in a world where marriage has become so distorted, so broken, so twisted, used for the pleasure of sin and man rather than the glory of God and His love. Blah blah blah... ranting. But all that said, I came across this quote from Jonathan Edwards,

"Then the church shall be brought to the full enjoyment of her bridegroom, having all tears wiped away from her eyes; and there shall be no more distance or absence. She shall then be brought to the entertainments of an eternal wedding-feast, and to dwell for ever with her bridegroom; yea, to swell eternally in his embraces. Then Christ will give her his loves; and she shall drink her fill, yea, she shall swim in the ocean of his love."

-taken from the New Dictionary of Biblical Theology (page 657)

hmmm. Let us think on the love of our true Lover.

diving into Jesus

2011-04-25T14:05:00.000-07:00

Hello family, friends and fellow bloggers. Here is the countdown...

I have 9 days left of classes.

I leave for Indonesia in 24 days.

I have 5 papers due next week.

I have raised 45% of my support for this summer.

This morning when I realized how stressful my life is about to potentially get, I became a little bit anxious (a little bit meaning a lot). When stress kicks in I typically feel real stressed real fast. I realized I could either a) dive into my despair, my stress, my anxiousness and wallow in it or I could b) dive into Jesus, into His love, His assurance, His joy, and His faithfulness.

I was reminded that God is to be trusted. When I am weary, leery, and often faith-less, God still continues to be faithful. So why not expect it?

I am sure that most of you, if not all of you are facing circumstances of great difficulty, hardships, or similar times of stress and anxiousness. Let us dive into Jesus together. It may sound cliche, but I would rather dive into Jesus than dive into the despair that I am so prone to doing.

Praise the One who gives us all assurance and all hope in His good self.

time to write.

2010-10-11T18:44:00.000-07:00

Usually the reason that I do not write for long periods of time is because I feel that if I don't have something deep and theological to write about, then I shouldn't write at all. But my mom suggested that I write about my life, what's going on so that those back home can know, especially for my sweet sweet grandmother. So grammie, this is for you...

I returned from Amsterdam at the beginning of August, with 6 days at home to watch movies with mom, hug the niece and nephew, eat some chick-fil-a, catch up with old friends and play some major scrabble. Despite my summer abroad and my short stay home, I was still so excited to get back to Chicago. The Lord had laid out some pretty awesome plans for me and honestly, I was so excited to jump into them. I wanted to be back in this busy city that I call home, to move into my new mini-apartment, to be a part of a new community of incredible young women, to study, to walk the streets and ride the EL, even ready for and wanting the snow (which is yet to fall).

So here I am, 7 weeks into a new semester, and feeling very grateful. Very in awe of the Lord's mighty works. A lot of things have been new to me on this mostly familiar campus. I am the RA of a new floor, building new relationships with girls way cooler than myself. I am living in my ministry, something that is definitely a growing experience. I am technically the leader/advisor/friend to 27 girls from all over the world who ironically, are teaching me more than I am teaching them. The Lord is allowing me to use my gifts in ways that I could not have set out for myself. May sound silly, but just this weekend I got to bake 4 different times, sharpening my skills, as well as serving others. Again, I repeat, I know that sounds silly, but for me, hospitality is what I love to do, and what I feel good at. This RA job is allowing me to do just that, serve people with coffee, a couch and a stack of chocolate chip pancakes.

I was recently asked what my goal is for my life, in terms of my future in missions, in serving Jesus... and as I sat there thinking, all I knew for sure was this: That I want to live my life for Jesus in a way that people always feel safe and welcome when they are around me, not because of who I am, but because of who Christ is in me. And I want to love others in such a way that they know they are loved, not because I am good at loving, but because Christ loves me. Sounds simple, but the Lord has been so gracious in teaching me that I can do these things in ways that He has gifted me. Who knows where I am going to end up... I still wish to travel to every country in the world (dream on, right?).

For the first time in a long time I feel really free in an odd way, for I have no idea where the Lord is sending me. At certain stages of my life, there has been a people group, a country, a city or a region... I dont even know the hemisphere now. The Lord has led me to this sweet place where literally "the sky is the limit". At first I was anxious, even a few weeks ago, anxious of where and when and how I get to where I didn't even know I was to go in the near-ish future. But now I feel settled and at peace, at least for a time, knowing that He will put me where I am to be, and use me in ways that are far beyond my own willing. Which makes this week even more exciting because it is Missions Conference here at school. Over 5o missionaries will be here on campus living in our dorms, eating in the SDR and advertising what God is doing in all parts of the world. So I enter this week in awe, thinking 'Lord, where would you send me, where would you have me go?'.

So yea... praise the Lord for His teaching me. Pray that He would teach me more! and if you think of it, pray for direction as I try to figure out where the Lord wills me to serve and how He wishes to use my gifts. I am so thankful that He is the Lord of my life, directing my paths. Praise Him. and pray for sweet sweet floor of 27 girls, Smith Seven. Pray that we would be united in Christ as sisters who serve and love one another well.

I love you grammie :) and everyone else reading this.

this time.

2010-07-09T09:32:00.001-07:00

this time i am in amsterdam. i have been living here for 45 days. i will live here for 23ish more days. it is here that God is teaching me a lot. about me and others, about me all alone, and about me in Him. the 3rd is the most important.

i am a judger. of people. we all are, but every time i go to reach for the splinter in my neighbor's eye i realize, "oops...", the plank in my own.

i have spent a lot of time here alone, or surrounded by people yet still feeling lonely. its hard to feel alone, especially when i am a typically outgoing person with some really great friends in my respective homes. but in this loneliness, the Lord has been my closest friend. He does all things for His glory- not my comfort.

we sang this at a staff meeting today:

you are my supply
My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know.
You are my reward
Worth living for
Still more awesome than I know.
And all of you
Is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough

often when we/i get to praying in dark times, lonely times, hungry times, thirsty times, scary times we instinctively ask... "Lord, I need ____". Lord, I need a friend. I need a job. I need help. I need to fit in. I need health. I need safety. confirmation. affirmation. and so on. i do this. i have been praying a lot and asking God for a lot of things, none of which i think are bad to ask for. but... He is my reward, He is worth living for, He is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need. He designed me to be satisfied with His love, in His love... In Him. My reward.

So before I go about praying for this or that, am I fully depending upon His love to fill those voids? Do i live each and every day thinking and knowing in my being that He is my reward? that He is more than enough for every need?

i am not sure if any of this makes sense. maybe i just needed to get these words out of my head and onto paper... cyber paper that is.

as for the rest of today, i cooked a meal for a friend and myself. it was easy too. i bought cheap chinese noodles, shrimp, mixed veggies, coconut milk, and green curry paste. it was a delicious dinner. and we danced in the kitchen. i felt very much like myself. it was nice.

crafting for ME

2010-05-23T18:19:00.001-07:00

these are the things i made this weekend for me. i hardly ever create or craft for my own self. usually its for etsy and others. so this was nice. really nice. two headbands. and an embellished recycled (stained) tee.

home.

2010-04-20T14:58:00.000-07:00

I want to write about something familiar, something close and comforting. What that thing is, I am still unsure. Perhaps the faded pink quilt on my bed, or the big tanned leather couch that sits in front of the stone fireplace back home.

Home. The word home has so many memories and dreams attached to it. I crave a home of my own. I love my home back home, and yet I often call this small cramped dorm room piled high with books and clothes my home. My home here in Chicago is defined by my friends, the familiar faces surrounding me, down the hall, a floor below, two floors above. Home back home, that's home because my family is there, my memories are there of hot summer days and ice cream sandwiches. And yet with both of these homes, I still dream of my own home... my future home, perhaps? A small house, preferably, with many people and many chairs. A kitchen with cookies on the counter and the door always swinging open and close. Who knows where or when and what my 'future home' will look like, or how many of these 'homes' I will surely have. At one time I called an orphanage in Naivasha, Kenya home. For a few weeks home was the second floor of a hostel in Regensburg, Germany. Home has even been a 50 year old house boat on the Amazon river.

I get really hung up on having a home, going home, returning home, where will be my home? I was reading in John 15 the other day in the Message version, and the word abide is translated as this word 'home'.

Jesus says in John 15:4, "Live in me. Make your home in me just as I do in you. In the same way that a branch can't bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can't bear fruit unless you are joined with me." Jesus then goes on to say a few verses later, "I've loved you the way my Father has loved me. Make yourselves at home in my love. If you keep my commands, you'll remain intimately at home in my love. That's what I've done—kept my Father's commands and made myself at home in his love."

The word abide is rich and beautiful. Of the many things it could mean in the Greek, a few of the meanings are "to remain", "not to depart", "to be held, kept, continually". To abide in the Lord as is commanded in John 15:4 (ESV) means to remain in Him, to not depart from Him, to be held by Him, kept in Him. To make your home in Him.

We are invited by Jesus Himself to make our home in His love. To make our home in the love of our great God of the universe. Despite the home(s) I have now or will have, despite where I live and who is there, no matter if it's a boat, a box, or a castle, my home is in Christ, in His love. Jesus was perfectly at home in the love of His Father, and we are invited into that same love.

Do we live at home in the love of our Savior? I want to live there.

2009-10-29T20:06:00.000-07:00

Lord, I do not always understand, hardly ever really. But you call me to live in faith, so when all seems blurry, dim, distant or even impossible, I will say 'I trust You'. I trust You. I trust You. I trust You. How could I not? I have seen you answer prayer, heal hearts and restore lives all around me. How could I not trust You. Help me to follow Your will even when all is weighing down on me.

Thank You Father. I trust You.

things i like...

2009-10-02T09:19:00.000-07:00

here a few things i like. maybe you will like them too...

decorate something

a picture

jewels

trees

a song

for light

yummmm

to listen with

a video

i don't really this... kind of grossed out

i can rejoice.

2009-09-14T11:25:00.001-07:00

you know what i just figured out in talking to myself and to God... i can rejoice. i was journaling, writing down the why's and woe's of my heart when it struck me, no matter how i feel, there is fact. the fact is that even in sorrow, fear, sadness, anger, whatever whoever is feeling, we can still rejoice. the fact that i can praise God despite the going on's around me, that even in the darkness i can praise Him for light, is a reason enough to praise Him.

The Ransomed Shall Return

The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad;
the desert shall rejoice and blossom like the crocus;
it shall blossom abundantly
and rejoice with joy and singing.
The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it,
the majesty of Carmel and Sharon.
They shall see the glory of the LORD,
the majesty of our God.

Strengthen the weak hands,
and make firm the feeble knees.
Say to those who have an anxious heart,
"Be strong; fear not!
Behold, your God
will come with vengeance,
with the recompense of God.
He will come and save you."

Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,
and the ears of the deaf unstopped;
then shall the lame man leap like a deer,
and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.
For waters break forth in the wilderness,
and streams in the desert;
the burning sand shall become a pool,
and the thirsty ground springs of water;
in the haunt of jackals, where they lie down,
the grass shall become reeds and rushes.

And a highway shall be there,
and it shall be called the Way of Holiness;
the unclean shall not pass over it.
It shall belong to those who walk on the way;
even if they are fools, they shall not go astray.
No lion shall be there,
nor shall any ravenous beast come up on it;
they shall not be found there,
but the redeemed shall walk there.
And the ransomed of the LORD shall return
and come to Zion with singing;
everlasting joy shall be upon their heads;
they shall obtain gladness and joy,
and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.

Isaiah 35

if a dry land can be glad and a desert can blossom in abundance, i think that i in myself can rejoice.

re-cap

2009-07-31T10:03:00.000-07:00

december 23, 2008, i wrote this about hope. maybe it will shed some light on the previous slightly abrasive post on happiness. thanks.

what makes us happy?

2009-07-31T02:03:00.001-07:00

from where i am sitting, in this orange-toned german cafe, i can see a variety of 'world music' being selected and sold on the counter by the pastries. printed on the black cardboard case holding these cds is the phrase, "guaranteed to make you feel good!" i read this a few moments ago, and must have pretended to think i was wiser and way better than to believe that. i thought to myself, does music really make us feel good? as good as we can feel the feeling of 'good'? no i thought, music isnt true goodness, true happiness, joy in Christ is, life lived in God is true goodness.

but alas, not even a moment later, i said this in a seperate thought... "i think i am going to get a cup of hot chocolate, because i feel kind of blah, and it will make me feel good."

and then in my head, i laughed at myself.

what makes me feel good, as good and good can be?

hot chocolate? its not warm anymore.

an acoustic melody? its notes end at some point.

a man's love? it will never be enough.

even a big wise oak tree, one of my favorite things, will one day die, or get struck by lightening, or chopped into firewood.

there are many good things in life, but are they meant to be our happiness? our joy? or rather, our sole source of happiness and joy?

i know that only Christ, the crucified Son of the living God will fulfill all that i long for. so why do i spend so much time wishing for material and physical kinds of joy? why do i spend so much time on facebook? why did i change clothes five times this morning? why do i spend an hour waiting for a song to upload on youtube? why do we put so much time and hope into things that will soon all fade away?

my examples may not be the most enlightening or powerful, but in my life, it is often the trivial that takes its place on the throne of my life. i do not suggest that we hide in caves, possession-less, clothes-less, food-less, friend-less... but i do suggest that we begin to live differntly, think differently, atleast me and myself.

if i know that only God can fulfill and satisfy my deepest longings, why do i not live in such a reflective manner of that truth?

where is my hope? where is my joy? in what circumstances of my life have i put too much weight? if all was lost, all but my hope in Christ, would i still hope?

Paul speaks so much in his letters to the Corinthians on their faith in the Resurrection and hope in their OWN resurrected bodies. do we ever think and hope in joy that as Christ was resurrected, we one day will also be resurrected? is that even important to us? and if it is, how do we live that out? how do i reflect in my body and my life today, that i live because of the Resurrection of my Savior and that i am eagerly awaiting the resurrection of my own body one of these days?

these are the rambled thoughts flowing out of my fingers onto this page.

goodness

2009-07-29T00:48:00.000-07:00

listen please.
enjoy.

i am making new friends here.

2009-07-20T09:40:00.001-07:00

dizzy dreams

2009-07-15T05:19:00.001-07:00

i want to learn to sew. i just crave to craft! all i have here at my use is a black pen, a mechanical pencil, a pink sharpie, an orange highlighter and my journal. enough... kind of. im ready for the two weeks at home spent with my paints and brushes, beads and buttons, needles and threads, fabrics and strings and yarn and glue and odds and ends. when will i ever find the time to learn to sew, to really sew? soon i hope.

and i cannot wait to bake cookies, all the time. and pancakes.

in the alps

2009-07-01T11:15:00.000-07:00

some thoughts from “The Ascent of Mount Ventoux” by Petrarch

"...I thought in silence of the lack of good counsel in us mortals, who neglect what is noblest in ourselves, scatter our energies in all directions, and waste ourselves in a vain show, because we look about us for what is to be found only within. I wondered at the natural nobility of our soul, save when it debases itself of its own free will, and deserts its original estate, turning what God has given it for its honor into dishonor...How few, I thought, but are diverted from their path by the fear of difficulties or the love of ease! How happy the lot of those few, if any such there be!... How earnestly should we strive, not to stand on mountain-tops, but to trample beneath us those appetites which spring form earthly impulses... And I beseech you, in turn, to pray that these vague and wandering thoughts of mine may some time become firmly fixed, and, after having been vainly tossed about from one interest to another, may direct themselves at last toward the single, true, certain, and everlasting good."

a conversation.

2009-06-24T11:54:00.000-07:00

Meagan Shorey

June 18 at 8:45pm

"Passion is the mob of the man that commits a riot upon his reason"

can you tell me what this means to you? i've been reading it over and over and i'm not sure how to take it. blame my ignorance or whatever. but since its one of your favorite quotes i wanna know why you like it so much.

Noëlle Strickland

June 19 at 10:46pm

oh this quote... love it. okay... to me it means...

i am a passionate person, or atleast i desire to be. passionate about the Lord and about the things that He is doing in my life and in the world around me. passionate about the gospel, about art, passionate about missions, traveling, and seeing broken lives heal bc of the love of God. those things make me tick.

a quote that i kinda made up is this... the life of radical obedience to Christ is a life of promised adventure. get it?

and referencing the blog i wrote about exploding dreams.... i have so many dreams and so many passions that i hope to be a person living in the will of God, in the power of His love, that no reason of man seems to hold me back.

i want my love for God and my passion for the things of His kingdom to lead in my life far more than the "reason" of my own foolish and human heart.

conclusion... i want my God-given passions and desires to commit riot upon my own reason. so much so that when people see my life, they think im crazy! because i am not living according the reason of the world, but according the way that God leads me in the passions and crazy dreams He has given me.

make sense?

thanks for asking.

2009-06-17T09:49:00.000-07:00

i am in germany. my family is in georgia. i miss them.

check out this video of my nephew, the awesome little blonde kid.

Be True to Ewe Video from Tiny Revolutionary on Vimeo.

exploding dreams

2009-06-14T09:54:00.000-07:00

i have always loved traveling. it started when my aunt took me to paris in the 7th grade. it was my first time on an airplane, my first trip out of the country, and the first reason for me to get a passport- of which i was very proud.

then it was jamaica. my 2nd time out of the country, i flew to this tropical island to sing, dance, act and share Christ's love with kids. the heat, the friends, the environment, the bag juice all made me love it, and desire to return.

in the process of signing up for the same trip the following summer, I was redirected to Bulgaria with Campus Crusade. in this small eastern european country i learned what it meant to step out in faith and boldly proclaim the gospel to complete strangers. and i fell in love with this country too. the students were lost and the culture was dark, but the streets were narrow and cobblestone and the memories made me miss it all the more.

the year after next when i was 18 i had decided to return to my new favorite country, bulgaria. but once again, in the process of application, my path was again redirected. this time the Lord sent me to africa- my dream. after months of prayer, and watching God work in miraculous ways, i found myself on swazi soil. i spent time ministering to orphans and widows in a few different countries, with the special task of teaching them how to make jewelry.

the following Christmas my family decided to do missions together as we set off to south america. it was in ecuador and peru that i was once again challanged to boldly exclaim the gospel... and in another language! i found myself leaving these countires also, eager to go back as missionary dreams danced in my head.

needless to say, i see a pattern. the Lord allowed me the huge blessings of traveling in missions at a young age. this is what i was made to do.

sometimes i feel like i am sitting back watching my life weave together as the Lord makes my dreams come true. as i write this i am in zurich, switzerland. two days ago i was driving through the french alps, a week ago i was walking the streets of Rome, and 2 weeks ago i was studying in a castle in nurenburg, germany. how did i get here? i am not really sure, it all happened so fast. but what i do know and see is the dreams of my heart growing as the Lord allows the occurences of my life to flow togther.

i have been blessed to experience missions in many forms, all with their pros and cons. i have learned and watched and grown from it all. my concept of sharing the gospel has only expanded with time. even now, traveling to these new places in europe, my dreams are still exploding. evangelism in germany- maybe a cafe. a bed and breakfast in italy, ravenna or geneva? opening a youth hostel- a haven for searching souls in rome? and yet in the past it has been teaching orphans how to make necklaces for food, door to door evangleism in broken spanish, teaching english in overseas schools, and acting out the gospel to little children. so many dreams.

i am a dreamer. but my dreams have weight and hope in them because my god is the God. He put these things in my heart. He made me this way. It is His desire for me to share the gospel, a desire that He has made my own. Exploding dreams are overwhelming, for sure. But i am confident that He will find a way, or many ways, to make these things come true, for His glory.

I see Him weaving this huge tapestry of my life that fits into this way huger tapestry of His glory. somehow my small gifts of painting, creating, talking, and cooking will come together in this conglomeration of His glory. i beleive that all of my experiences, all the way from dancing in jamaica to door-to-door in peru are prearing me for more.

this may all sound eager and expectant, but that is what i am. i expect big things. i do not expect to be big, not famous nor great or well known. but i expect God to fulfill His plans and further His Kingdom in this world, and i want Him to include me. could i miss out? of course. i must keep my gaze steady and my feet ready- something i am not all to keen on doing sometimes. but i am eager and expectant because i have already seen His Spirit, His miracles, His hope and His love actively alive in villages, communities, and cities all around the world.

summary: i want to live all over the world baking cookies and making art that somehow shows people how good the love of God is.

seasons change

2009-06-01T06:50:00.000-07:00

i am writing this current post from an old palace stable, renovated into a youth hostel, from beautiful Nurnberg, Germany (see picture). i arrived a few days ago, after a long day of flying and sitting in planes and airports. i was not quite sure what to expect, but as we arrived to our destination, pulling our suitcases (my two rolling suitcases and two carry-ons) up a LARGE steep cobblestone hill, i got excited. we entered the kitchen and i saw the german food and people of many languages and homelands, and i got a bit more excited. then we met as a group to talk about logisitcs and details... and even this made me more excited. traveling is my thing. i come alive when i am in new places, around new people, cultures, languages, foods, and the like.

this past semester was my first as a bible student. as much as i thought i was going to learn, i did, but i also didnt. meaning that, i grew in knowledge and in person, although none of it was directly spiritual (compared to my first year in college which was the craziest spiritual journey of my life!). i do not think that any growth in my life is or even can be seperated from the love of God, but the growing that I experienced this past year was far different from what I expected. at the time i was distressed and discouraged... and quite possibly apathetic, for much of my learning was from intense self-examination and struggle. but on this end of my year, heading straight into a two-month adventure around europe, i see that the trials and lessons from the last year have prepared me to experience God in magnificently new ways now.

please pray for me. that i would take this opportunity to seek the King in travel, in life, in relationships, in the Word, in history, in culture, in people, in love. pray that i would not return home from this trip with only memories and pictures of my travels, but that i would return home with a new heart, purified and refreshed. pray that i would experience God in new and marvelous ways. danke (thank you).

on the precipice of experiencing God on this European adventure, He is getting me more and more excited about missions- who knows where! i was sitting in the second story of a starbucks today peering out into the cobblestone streets, watching teenagers saunter by, beer and cigarettes in hand... typical here. although the people are lovely, from my small small perspective, the city seems dry of water, living water.

here. Lord i say, i could minister here telling these people about Jesus. i could live over there, above that shoe store, meeting people and making coffee. ha... God knows (literally). i shall probably think the same thing in italy, and paris, and london... just as i have in other parts of europe, the carribean, africa, and south america. who knows. exciting though, eh?

until next post... Auf Wiedersehen (goodbye).

ps... did i tell you that i am off to Rome on saturday?

2009-05-27T13:49:00.001-07:00

one day, and today.

2009-05-23T09:12:00.000-07:00

"While homes of unbelieving men are intent upon acquiring temporal peace out of the possessions and comforts of this temporal life, the families which live according to faith look ahead to the good things of heaven promised as imperishable, and use material and temporal goods in the spirit of pilgrims, not as shares or obstructions to block their way to God, but simply as helps to ease and never to increase the burdens of this corruptible body which weighs down the soul." -from the City of God by St. Augustine of Hippo, chapter 17

On another note, I have a story to tell. Last week I was flying from Atlanta to Chicago, landing at Midway. For those of you unfamiliar with the train system, Midway Airport is about an hour train ride from the city into the suburbs. As I woke up from a full-length nap, i peered out from my window seat to the landscape below. We were preparing to land, slowly getting closer to the earth below us. We weren't quite close enough for me to discern cars or people, but I could see neighborhoods, roof tops, lakes, and larger buildings. As we got closer, I strained to find the city... it had to be somewhere close. Finally, after peering my eyes into the misty distance, I found the city... hardly the size of my pinky nail. I could not believe it. The city, Chicago, this huge metropolis of buildings, traffic, people, crime, and commerce, was but a piece of dust in comparison to all the earth below me. Even as the plane jetted closer to our destination, the city remained small, really small.

This is when it occurred to me, He still sees me. I live in a city that seems so huge to me, so alive. But from God's perspective, my city, my school, my dorm, my own life are but specks to His all-seeing eyes. And yet, as small as I am to Him, He is totally active and fully involved in my life, even in the smallest details. He cares for me, guides me, comforts me, satisfies me... and He sees me.

"O LORD, make me know my end and what is the measure of my days; let me know how fleeting I am! Behold, you have made my days a few breaths, and my lifetime is as nothing before you. Surely all mankind stands as a mere breath! Selah" -Psalm 39:4-5

open palms with tight clenched hands

2009-04-25T15:50:00.000-07:00

"to live is Christ, to die is gain". -philippians 1:21

"so many people are willing and excited to die for Christ... but how many are excited to live?" - a friend

i havent written here in a while. i study, a lot. in fact, i spend quite a good chunk of my time in the library or sipping caffeine in a corner somewhere, reading, writing, and thinking. i am enjoying it. i dont think i have quite ever learned so much. my head i think is looking bigger as my brain is swelling. not really. i am learning a lot, like i said, but not sure if i am retaining it.

i dont want to become so focused on knowledge that i forget my own heart. that is something that has already happened so much. it is so easy to read and write and pray for a grade, that i forget or run out of time to read and write and pray for my heart, for my health, for my time with my Maker, just me and Him, Him and me.

this week, especially the day of thursday, was a day of great redemption. i am not sure why, except that the overwhelmed me. in the midst of trial, struggle, not enough time, tears, and tea...
He gave me such joy. i was very tearful. in fact my eyes were brimming with tears most of the day. joy and i had tears. encouragement and i was tearful. prayer made me tear. thinking, looking, seeing, hearing all made me tear. i was sensitive to so much, as if my emotional senses were on supersonic sensitive mode. it was nice. i wasnt a basket case, not at all. i think i was just very intouch, by His grace, with His grace. emotionally sensitive and intouch to His grace in my life and in the lives of those around me.

oh grace... this gift that i am learning. learning it, although i have been living in the thick of it my whole life.

i live in a dorm. in a big city. in a country. in a hemisphere. in a large world. in a big universe. among many galaxies. yet He sees me, pursues me, loves me. His Son, my Savior intercedes on my behalf. i can just imagine the Son sitting at the feet of the Father praying for me, crying for me and with me, laughing at me, and gazing upon me, His small tiny creation among all else great and vast... yet He sees me, and He knows me.

much to come later.

im back.

2009-02-23T21:11:00.000-08:00

its been quite a while since i last wrote, and that is for a hanfdul of random and not so random reasons. but im back, at least for now.

i am writing from chicago, my new home. it seems like home more and more with each passing day. over the past six weeks i have learned to navigate the infamous underground moody tunnels. i have spent large quantities of my time studying. i have ventured into snowy streets and slick sidewalks without falling... yet. i have met new people, forgotten names, and embarressed myself with awkward hand shakes. i have eaten my way through the variety of ethnic eateries that this grand city offers. i have adjusted to the weather, wearing only a few layers outside, rather than 12 or 13. and i have successfully navigated my way from michigan ave back to school.

its a nice place here, really. i am enjoying the city, the snow, the people, the cta, the accents, the early dinners, the new campus, and my new friends.

its perplexing to me that this semester is nearly half way through. i feel like i just got here!

most importantly, i am learning a lot. im learning about doctrines and theology and big words that i never knew anything of before i got here. and i am learning about influence-ers of the christian faith and current influential leaders of the church today. i am learning how to observe, interpret, exegete, and analyze scripture. i am learning the history of the new testament and the church.

but amidst all the book knowledge, all the head knowledge, i am learning about myself, and my Savior, and myself in my Savior.

God has used this new adjustment and this new season of life to minister to my fears and struggles and to my heart.

i want to live with my hands completely flat out and open, my palms up, my fingers stretched out as far as possible, gripping nothing. with my eyes set wholly on the Lord, not even His plans for me do i want to hold tightly. as i look to Him, He can freely give and take away from my life, making me more like Him with every adjustment.

upon arriving to school here, through a series of events, i realized how i had begun to idolize the idea of being a missionary. i have no doubt that that is a dream, a passion, a calling the Lord has given me. but in no way should my desire to serve the Lord, replace my desire to know the Lord.

i found myself holding so tightly to the dream of being a missionary, more so than being closer to my savior. its like Abraham. he loved God so much. so much so that he was willing to sacrifice the very thing that God had given him, his beloved son, in order to please God. i had so idolized being an international min. major, and getting into moody, and going overseas one day, that i had placed my relationship 2nd to serving Him. its a crazy thing to think not only the things of this world, but that even the things of God can become idols in life. what i mean to say is that when anything besides God Himself becomes an ultimate thing in our lives, its an idol.

there are many times i can think back on my past and see that i was idolizing the christian life more so than Christ. i was doing the things i was doing, attending the meetings i was attending, and living the way i was for the sake of being a christian, more so than for knowing and becoming more like my Savior.

i am still a work in progress. very much so. and will forever be, until the day i am with my Father in heaven, and oh what a day that will be. until then, through grace, i want to live my life already on the altar. before God even has to ask me to sacrifice, i want to be surrendered and willing.

so much of my spirit wants so much of Jesus. i just want to know Him, to be in harmony with Him, to be close to Him, to be like Him, to be loved by and to love Him. more than books or ideas or blogs or dreams or missions or countries or nations or anything else, i just want more Jesus.

but here is my my spirit, trapped in my flesh. i am so easily distracted by the things of this world. as paul writes in galatians, i do what i do not want to do. it is a daily dieing to self, and a daily picking up His cross and following after Him.

i am rambling random things. as i often do. funny... i was thinking today that i wished that i talked less... so instead i blogged. ughhh. if the world only knew the many many many things and thoughts that ran through my mind.

my 1st of many moody papers

2009-01-27T12:40:00.000-08:00

the assignment was to write a reflective essay on this article. check it out. my response...

We were initially created to live in paradise in perfect harmony with the Lord. We were created to always be satisfied, to always be full, for we were to live in the Garden of Eden, in the presence of God. But as history goes, Adam and Eve ate of the apple, and as sin entered into the world through that single piece of fruit, our hunger for more erupted into a deathly and contagious epidemic of always wanting more.
Adam, who initially had the opportunity to eat of all the fruit of all the trees in the garden, and in abundance, now must work for his food by the sweat of his brow. Through the single act of eating of the apple, sin caused our human race to be fully satisfied in one moment, and always hungry in the next. We are all hungry, not just for food, but for life and for the things that we believe will give us life.
I hunger for acceptance, love, and attention among many other things. The sinful nature in me and around me causes me to believe that only the world can resolve my hunger pains. Just as our households have begun to trade in our crock-pots for microwaveable meals, I too am easily deceived into the quick fix. Hunger tells me to eat, and in many times, in a desperate reaching for food, I satisfy my hunger with void and material means.
A friend and I were speaking on or hunger for attention yesterday. In our often selfish need for attention from the male gender, we say or do things in hopes of a satisfying response, a response that will be a quick fix for our hunger for affirmation. But as the apple did not satisfy the hunger of Adam and Eve, but rather encouraged it, so do the avenues that I seek to satisfy my hunger.
I know from the Word, and have learned from trial and error, that only Christ can satisfy my hunger. I have found that we as Christians often micro-categorize Jesus as only the answer to our sin; we are hungry for salvation and Jesus satisfies that craving. But aside from our salvation, which is a glorious and grace-covered miracle, we often forget that Jesus is also the answer to all of hunger pains. From literal hunger for food and drink, to the metaphorical hunger for affection, comfort, attention, joy and freedom, Jesus is our fill.
As Koessler states in his article, Eat, Drink, and Be Hungry, “Ours is a hunger no earthly bread can satisfy. We don’t want to spoil our appetite.” It is as if our souls know that we were created for more, for paradise, for perfect harmony with God. Yet our flesh is sinful, needy, and grasping at all things earthly and unsatisfying. Our hunger is for Christ, only Christ, but we live in a disillusioned world of fast food and 7 Elevens. As Christians, it is our goal to not only live for Christ, but to drink Him up. As we find ourselves hungering for the things of this world, we must then look to Christ, for it is only our sweet Savior that can satisfy the longings of our souls.

the windy city

2009-01-15T22:11:00.000-08:00

here i am... living (and quite possibly thriving) in this new city. as i must be honest with you, the transition was rough, and i am sure there are many difficult days ahead. but as of now, in the here and now, right just now, i am very happy. but even in the moments when i am not so happy, is God then not good? no, that is not at all the case. even in suffering, in the most dark an unhappy places of all of our lives, God is still good, because in those moments, we still have grace. we still have eternal life. we still have love. we are still, and yet still more, being made more Christlike.

i am already learning a lot. my classes are incredible. 18 hours, but it is well worth it. lots of reading. lots. and lots of books. lots of reading in lots of different books. so far i think that my favorite class may be intro to disciplemaking. not only does my prof seem so professionally and personally passionate about his life in Christ, but He seems just as passionate about Christ in the lives of others. we spend the first 10ish minutes of every class in prayer for people who need to know Jesus. how often do we say that we desire the lost to know the love of our Father, yet we walk forward without a moment or longer spent on our knees in prayer for them.

i am just so excited to be in an environment that not only supports me, but urges me to dive deeper. it is so unlike any school or organized system that i have ever been a part of. other schools, my profs and teachers didnt seem to care how well i knew the material, as long as i got an A or did my homework. but here, as much as we all want good grades, it is the knowledge and life experience that we are challenged to grasp. there is such a passion within the classroom. its quite refreshing. i am also really enjoying my church doctrines class. it is is basiaclly an intro into theology... awesomeness.

as well as loving my classes, i am also loving the people and the city. so many people have gone out of their way to make me comfortable (thank you). and of course there is that funny and matchless bond between we transfer students alike. i have found from a number of conversations with different transferess such as me, that we have all experienced a bit of lonliness or isolation. but in that, i think that God is fighting for us. and He will win for us. He has won for us. we are here for a reason, no doubt.

more on this new transition later.

day one... take two

2009-01-07T18:46:00.000-08:00

Can I write two blogs in one day… because I feel the need to. How much more can I express how great this is!? I have been in Chicago for a total of 4 hours, and I have no doubt that this is exactly where I am supposed to be. If joy and confidence and excitement weren’t all enough, the Lord showed me yet another small and even quite silly reason that this is His place for me for now. Let me explain…

Back at the end of the summer, when I was working as a nanny, driving to and from Atlanta every day on the highway, I began to notice J.B. Hunt trucks everywhere. They were all the same, big tractor-trailers, white and plain, with a yellow J.B. Hunt logo on the back and side door. I knew nothing of J.B. Hunt or their trucks, but continually saw them on the interstate every day. One of these days, I felt a nudging to check them out… no clue why. Silly to look up a trucking company, right? So I didn’t. But one night while I was trying to sleep, I randomly thought of the J.B. Hunt logo and was nudged again to look them up. Weird… I know. So I did. I sat up in bed, opened my computer and googled J.B. Hunt. I really didn’t find anything except for the fact that it was this huge trucking empire. Nothing special. Figures…. It was silly to think that God was pointing me to a trucking empire, right?

Today, after landing at the midway airport, we loaded in a taxi and began the short drive into the city. Within three or four minutes of being on the road, as I am taking in all the buildings and streets and snow, on the side of the road to my right, I see a huge truck yard full of all J.B. Hunt trucks. They were stacked on top of each other, hundreds of them… right in the middle of Chicago. Some may think that I am over reacting, but for me… it was significant. Who knew that a tractor-trailer could be so comforting and confirming? Ha. If you know me, you know that often God speaks to me in unusually tangible, and often, funny ways. More on this later.

Mom and I walked around the city for a few hours. Block to block, we basically walked back and forth on the same street searching for the school. I am not the most map-savvy person, to both of our disadvantage. But we loved seeing the city, and finally, the school. The snow began falling more and more towards the end of our journey. I am now living in my interpretation of a winter wonderland, and thus far, I love it.

I couldn’t have more joy about being here. I couldn’t be more excited. I am thankful to the good Lord for this opportunity. When I think back on each of the interconnecting steps, conversations, relationships, and prayers that got me here, I am thankful that the Lord is always in control. I can also think back on all of my moments of worry, anxiety, and fear, and see that they did me no good, for even in those moments, His plans prevailed. So for this, I say glory to God, for He is the highest!

im on a plane to chicago!

2009-01-07T15:48:00.000-08:00

So here I am on a plane flying to Chicago. For more than six months now, I have been waiting, wishing, hoping, praying that all of this would work out. I cannot believe that this time last year none of me was even considering leaving gcsu or transferring schools, much less moving to Chicago! But I do know that this time last years my prayers were begging for adventure. I was praying through my future and my major (which I had already changed 5 times!). Even as I look at my day planner from 07-08 the word “seminary” is scribbled in the median with a big question mark. My thoughts and prayers were on the future, having no idea what it was, but wanting so desperately for it to be a part of God’s plans for me.

Since my trip to Africa is 07, my opinions on what I want in life and ministry have transitioned a lot. In hindsight, that trip has done and will continue to do a lot more for my heart.

Adventure, this word I cannot shake. It is something that I crave, that my soul desires to be a part of. As I began praying through this last year, particularly for the next three years of my life, never could I have imagined the things so grand that God has done before me.

I think that so many of us, myself often included, credit God as powerfully boring. Even if we believe in Him, we don’t often give Him credit for being so creative, for being so exciting, adventurous, alluring. We read the stories in the bible of God sending people through distant lands across and over great waters, yet we still have this old-man-with-a-beard-view-of-God. Imagine, young single teenage Mary, sent by God to Bethlehem, on the back of a donkey, pregnant with the Son of God growing inside of her. Yet we hardly credit that as an adventure. Of course she was petrified and scared, but isn’t that part of adventure, the risk? And was she taken care of? Yes, abundantly!

Okay, so maybe you don’t fnd story of mother Mary the most adventurous, but isn’t it inspiring? That God asked this young teenage girl to believe Him and follow Him, without any real direction for the road ahead, and she did, and He rewarded her, greatly! To be the mother of Jesus, the Savior of the world? To watch and witness Him grow up to become the Messiah the world? Is that not an incredible reward?

Many of us think that God doesn’t work that way anymore. And maybe we think that way, because we’ve never seen it. But do you think that you possibly haven’t seen God work in these great and miraculous adventure-filled ways, because you haven’t asked for it?

Asking doesn’t mean laying out a map, pointing, booking flights, and packing bags. And adventure doesn’t have to be overseas in a dangerous country working with an underground bible smuggling ring… (although it could be!) Asking simply means that you ask, you pray, you surrender. And adventure means that whatever the answer is to the asking, you follow. Motherhood, an adventure. Basketball coach, an adventure. Artist, an adventure. Stockbroker, an adventure. college student moving to Chicago, adventure. Missionary living with orphans in Swaziland, its all an adventure if you are seeking and following after the Living God!

God can use us all, in all facets and ways of life, in all jobs, all arenas, all countries. The adventure and risk is not simply being a Christian or going to church. The adventure is in asking what He would have of you, and then being courageous enough to follow. Even if it means making an uncomfortable move, transition, or decision.

This is all seeming quite a bit mixed up and rambled. But my plane is about the land and I need to wrap it up soon. 27 degrees outside says the captain. Woo hoo… talk about adventure. A southern girl moving to the cold windy city to seek her King. That is me. Am I scared? Yes, terrified. But I have seen God move and work in my life in far too many more-than-coincidence kind of ways to not follow Him this time.

For the past year I have been asking Him, begging for Him to direct my ways. And now, here I am, landing in a new city and new school, embarking on yet another step of this journey, waiting once again, to see where and when and how this all unfolds. Glory to the King.

i am almost there

2009-01-04T19:41:00.000-08:00

chicago, the city of my new home.

look what they have for me there.

new things to think on

2008-12-31T16:53:00.000-08:00

i feel as though the place that i am in is a very pivotal point. although at this present time, not much seems to be happening, i look behind me and see quite a few lessons learned and friends made. and as i peer ahead, unsure of much, i am encouraged that the future holds more. even more than that of which lingers in the past. as i continue to seek the Father, and seek His face, things can only get better. the adventure can only get better from here. better does not mean better as the world thinks of the word; "of a more excellent or effective quality". the word better cannot even touch on how i feel and know what God is making of me and my life. He is not making me better, but making me new. everyday is new.

the Lord is beginning to yet again stir up new thoughts and desires in my head and in my heart.

a few of those things are...

the middle east. loving those who are hardest to love. reaching out to the unreachables. i recently had a conversation that fanned the flame of my growing passion while alo breaking my heart. without being to specific, i was told by another christian that my passion for the middle east was pointless; that those people are to far gone, the terrorists specifically. but it is not about the poeple, it is about Christ. the beauty of salvation, of the cross, is that noone is too far gone, too lost. no one is unreachable. Christ loves all. seeks all. desires reconciliation with all of His children.

who are we to say that Christ cant save all? insert: i bought two new books today, "once an arafat man" and "uncensored grace". both about the love of Christ saving and transforming the lives of those that were considered unreachable. we must believe in the power of the cross. we must unite and believe in the power of our God.

another thing ive been thinking about. adventure. enough said.

lastly, what is life? it is but a vapor. our lives here on earth are merely a small stepping stone to eternal life spent with God. yet so often, too often, we act as though this life is all that matters. outside of our salvation, or outside (and inside) of our church doors, we strees and worry about this life, here and now. the things of this world are too but a vapor.

it is so hard for me to grasp the reality of eternal life. i hardly give it a thought most of the time. i say that i love and live for Christ, yet many...most of my actions mimic that of a person enslaved to this day, this week, this show, this relationship, this time right here, right now.

the eternal perspective is hard to grasp. but living for Christ, loving God, accepting His grace and foregiveness means that we give up living for this world. our days here are short and fading fast. how often, when in the midst of a fight, or predicament, large or small, in trying to come to a conclusion or solution, do we consider the eternal weight of the situation?

my answer is hardly never. but colossians 3 is so clear.

"1)Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. 2)Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3)For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4)When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory."

maybe i am thinking way to into this. maybe to have an eternal perspective is simply to do as vs 1 states, to set our "hearts on things above... where Christ is seated", or to set our eyes on Christ. maybe though, sometimes, as we "set our eyes on Christ", we rather set our eyes on the church, on the religion, on the christian books and trends, and not yet on the man of Christ.

all i know is that the Lord is so good, and i hardly give Him enough room in my life to be even good-er than He is to me now. if i would move out of me, make more room for Him in me, and less room of myself in me, than i would be able to experience more of His goodness.

once again, i am preaching to myself. these are my thoughts, not meant to offend anyone, but to cause us to think, myself included.

ps: i know that good-er is not really a word.

post-surgery

2008-12-29T15:26:00.000-08:00

here i am, alive and healing. surgery went well. it lasted twice as long as planned, but all is well. my poor mom says she was pacing when the doctor entered 2 hours past being expected.

i woke up in the recovery room, eyes still closed. all that i could think of in those first moments of being awake was psalm 23. not a verse i had read or even memorized in the past weeks, or even months, but as i awoke from surgery, there it was, dancing in my mind, over and over and over again. i dont think i had all of the words right, nor did i remember where in the bible it was from, but it was comforting, as if the Lord had planted His own promises in my mind and my mouth.

although the next few days immediatly following surgery are a bit blurry, i do remember that in my most painful moments, the Lord sustained me. i cannot really describe how. i just know that He did. thats what He does.

a few more days of recovery... which really means watching tv, eating soup, crocheting, and checking facebook. i am excited to get back into normal life again, which for me, means packing up my gloves and scarves and moving to a new city. from surgery to school in a new city, He sustains me.

crazy love

2008-12-25T13:45:00.000-08:00

"Day in and day out, we find ourselves in the monotony of life; self help books, work, family, friends, cars, house, medications. Most of us are simply trying to live a "normal life". Have you ever found yourself wondering whether or not the goal of life should be normalcy?" -Francis Chan, Crazy Love

Now is the time to stop and think.

hope

2008-12-23T15:11:00.001-08:00

i have been thinking more about the word hope recently. and my thinking has led me to wanting to write about it, to share a glimpse of the hope that i have experienced. but words fail me. my thought-generated inklings of the depth of the word cannot begin to to even scratch the surface of what it means. hope. we hope for many things. be it christian or jew, black or white, mom or daughter, we hope for things. as humans we hope for peace. for health. for love. some hope for money, for a good job, for an education that will mean something, for prosperity. others hope for love in friends, hope for a husband, hope for children, hope for acceptance, hope for relationships. some of us hope in our appearance, in the hope that we will look good, we hope to lose weight, we hope to gain weight, we hope to grow up, we hope to look good. but in my short life experience, and from hearing and observing the experiences of those much wiser than i, i have found that these things we have come to hope for as humans, are not things worth hoping for. they are temporary.

i do not mean that we should give up hoping for these things, for how you live and what you live for are your own goals and hopes completely. but as we hope for these temporary things, we spend time working for them, gaining them, striving, achieving and failing, and at the end, when we get to where we hoped to be, 25lbs lighter, 3 larger salaries later, or even a wife and kids later, is life complete? is life then all that we hoped it would be? and were we hoping for those things, in hopes that they would make us a life worth hoping for?

in the midst of hoping for many things, that although worth hoping for, were not things i was able to easily obtain, i was told about this word; teleological. teleological is hoping for things in the future when even in the present they are not what you would hope for them to be. but even when we look at our present circumstances and hopes for the future, what future are we hoping for? or rather, what about the future will be so different, so better, that it is worth hoping for?

teleolgy is the philosophical study of design and purpose. after only twenty short years on this earth, i have learned that the only hope worth hoping in is that hope that Christ offers us. a hope not in the future, but in the eternal. a hope, that despite my present circumstances, feelings, emotions, highs and lows, somehow, through the mighty hand and work of God, that my life will be His, designed with purpose, created for the eternal realm of joy and peace and perfect love.

this is not meant to sound depressed or desperate in any manner. once you experience the hope of Christ, the hope of the world is not even comparable. upon humbly realizing the hope that Christ offers me, i am overwhelmed with a feeling so indescribable. the tears that edge over the brims of my eyes is only an external example of the hope and joy brimming over the edges of my soul.

this semester has taught me a lot. i do not know all that i have learned yet, for i think as life goes on, i will realize lessons learned here in this time, that i do not even realize i have learned yet. but something i am trying to learn, or rather am hardly beginning to sort through is this idea of eternal hope. living our lives with an eternal perspective. even as christians, we often hope for things here on earth. things that i do not know for sure that God promises. in the midst of tragedy lets say, we often hope for healing. do i believe that God is capable of healing? of course, no doubt, i have seen Him do such miracles. but should our hope be in the present healing? or rather should our hope be in Him, in His eternal promise of salvation and healing?

the answer i do not know. i am afraid to make statements so bold as to offend or frighten. all i know is that we, me, all of us need to take a good look at where our hope lies. as our economy is spiraling down, i think that many people are seeing many things that they put their hope in spiral down with it. as a person, as a nation, as a race of people seeking truth and hoping for the best, where does our hope lie?

im moving!

2008-12-19T14:31:00.000-08:00

okay, so maybe it is overkill, but you need to check out my shop... and buy something. the hand.craft.it.festival went well, although it was a terribly long day. i thought that the location and venue was great, its just that the city of madison, ga isn't necessarily the prime spot for buying trendy handmade goods or hearing really rad bands play. so... good day, but a little slow and a lot long. over all, i came out okay, but still have lots of merchandise to sell. necklaces, earrings (vintage and handmade), hair barrettes (for the young and old), headband/headpiece type deals, baby bibs/clothes, wallets, bags, etc etc etc. get my drift? buy something nice for yourself. i dont know what i will do with my art once i get to chicago. we shall see... altho i did hear about this thing called Renegade Chicago. basically, from what i have heard it is the coolest and biggest craft fair... ever. maybe i can get involved with that, maybe.

i move to chicago in 2.5 weeks and i am really excited. my excitement is a terrified kind of excitement, but all in a good way. there are so many unknowns, and i am not really used to that. i think one of the biggest unknowns for me, besides the freezing weather that is so foreign to me, is the fact that i will know no one, and no one will know me. i have lived in georgia my entire life. although alpharetta is a fairly large community, i feel like i know a lot of people. even when i went off to gcsu, a lot of students there were from here, so i knew a lot of people right off the bat. hardly have i ever been in a situation, esp so far from home, where i didnt know anyone. but God is good and He has put a random few people in my life along the way to make chicago a little more like home. everyone i talk to has a connection for me or someone for me to talk to; my friend's grandparents living nearby, a friends cousin in school in the city, my friend's girlfriend's parents live in chicago and she will be staying with them when i move in, the niece of a co-worker of my dad who is looking for a nanny, a girl from my 5th grade show choir group who is living in the room next to me in the dorms! and the list goes on... what it all comes down to is that the Lord is faithful. He has given me this land, the land that the sole of my foot shall touch, He has given me. He prepared me, is still preparing me, and has prepared this very way.

this way. this road i am on and have been traveling the past few months has not been easy. and even in the next 2.5 weeks i have a lot of things to trust God with. sometimes i feel like i won't even get to make it to the promised land (metaphorically meaning moody). i think of all the things i have to do in the next few weeks, while also having surgery and the short recovery period, and i think, how on earth will this happen? but it has happened thus far, all by the hand of the Lord, and i trust and know that He will continue to carry me through.

this time in my life has no other greater purpose than to bring glory to the Lord. and i pray that as i look back on this semester in hindsight, living at home, being sick, working as a nanny, sorting through life, that i will see only the greatest and most beautiful lights of God's glory. and i pray that despite my efforts or lack thereof, that those in life with me and around me, will see the same thing. that even through and in my weakest moments, those around me shall see the glory and power and goodness of our great great God. because in our weakness He is strength... and power, and healing, and love, and goodness, and miraculous and grace and mercy and so much more.

there is a time for everything... including leftovers

2008-12-04T18:53:00.000-08:00

today i was finally feeling okay enough to stand a solid amount of time in front of the stove. just enough time of standing for me to stir and cut and simmer and smell and chop and cook and make some good food for myself and family. the week i spent in bed was the same week that every single food network star decided to teach viewers how to make meals out of leftovers. not a bad idea. everyone has leftovers after thanksgiving. why waste them? and i was inspired. tonight, (with dramatic effect in my tone) was my night to cook.

leftover potato and smoked turkey soup

1 onion chopped

1/2 stalk celery chopped

left over turkey chopped, no skin (our turkey was smoked!)

3-5 pieces bacon, almost fully cooked, not quite crisp, cut in small pieces

1 box chicken broth (if you need to serve more you can add water and chicken bouillon to pot)

tbsp butter

salt and pepper to taste

medium heat. throw the chopped onion in pot with butter and let sweat for a bit. add celery. pour in just enough broth to cover celery and onion. stir and put on medium low heat. while that sits, cut the potatoes into chunks. (i used two whole baked potatoes that were cooked for mashed potatoes but not used. i also used leftover mashed potatoes.) add potatoes, broth, salt and pepper. stir and cover for a bit. use this time to cut the turkey. after few minutes, remove lid and mash potatoes in the pot. do not mash to mush; rough mash. add turkey and bacon. stir. low heat and cover. serve! yummm.

note... really yummy served with warm biscuits.

i also made some super easy gingersnap ice cream a few times this week. my mom LOVES it. put a small glass bowl in freezer. remove vanilla ice cream or frozen yogurt from freezer to thaw. put handful of gingersnaps cookies in cup and add a small bit of milk. as the cookies soak up the milk, begin to mash them. after cookies are mashed up, add a few more and roughly mash them. (those last few will remain a little crunchier in the ice cream.) remove bowl from freezer (should be cold) and scoop desired amount of ice cream into bowl. add mashed cookies. mix as best you can before melting. if melts to much, throw back in freezer. serve and eat. may also be good with some diced fresh mint leaves mixed in or even some lemon zest, but i havent tried that yet.

to end my therapeutic night in the kitchen, my little brother asked for some hot chocolate while he studied. it was the just add water kind in the individual packets. easy enough. we didnt have milk, and water sounded yuck, so i actually used 1/2 water and 1/2 french vanilla creamer (decadent, i know... his arteries, not mine). i began stirring as i poured in the mix... all white, all marshmallows. hmmm... "hey nick, why is this hot chocolate white?" ohhh... right. this is the marshmallow packet. oops. since when do they separate the cocoa mix and the mallows? whatever. when i finally got it right, it was good.

in between dinner and dessert, my family and i, or actually, just me, started improvising some weird characters and weird commentary for those sitting around in the kitchen. we got to laughing, a lot... and my stomach got to hurting, a lot. but i couldnt stop. none of us could stop laughing. and it was obvious i was in so much pain, but we couldnt stop laughing. it was uncontrollable, yet it was causing so much pain. my mom and i were laughing so hard that we had to leave and go into different rooms. weird. funny. priceless. painful.

updates of me from me

2008-12-01T17:40:00.001-08:00

so it has been quite a while since i wrote here. let me update you, my one single reader, of my life lately.

i move to chicago, officially, january 8th.

i have been to the ER twice this week.

i am sick.

i slept the entire day of thanksgiving.

i made it into the hand.craft.it. festival in madison.

i have made some really rad new hair barrettes.

i sold my 2nd international item this week... UK!

SheRadiates.etsy.com

i will be 20 in two weeks.

i am currently watching father of the bride.

i invented easy gingersnap icecream tonight (actually... frozen yogurt). yummm.

i have watched (and re-enacted) way too many SNL skits this week.

our little georgia snow flurry in 41 degree weather today hardly prepares me for a winter in chicago.

i purchased this for my dorm room.

snow days are soon to come

2008-11-18T19:52:00.000-08:00

i cannot believe it. literally, i cannot yet wrap my mind around the fact that in less than two months i will be attending Moody Bible Institute. (I got in!!!!!!) But really... never in my life have i been shopping for a pair of long underwear, much less owned them or worn them!

i think that one of the biggest reasons it is hard for me to comprehend all of this exciting transition and change is the very simple fact that it is an adventure set out before me by God Himself. never in my thoughts or dreams or prayers did i think or even ask to be going this way. i prayed about missions, seminary, my major(s), even transferring be it His will, but never expected this. and "this" is much more than i ever could have even known to ask for.

the adventure of Christ is this... that i was attending a small liberal arts university in small town milledgeville, not even 6 months ago, that was somehow, in many ways, a stepping stone for me to go Chicago to study international ministry. i mean... seriously! i never could have thought this on my own. i went from full time art student to full time nanny to chicago!

a life following Christ, fully surrendered to Him, can be such an adventure. i fear that many have lost that, or rather, never known it or experienced it enough to want it. and adventure doesnt have to be traveling the world. being a mom. running a restaurant. painting portraits. whatever your life is, give it to Jesus, and He makes the mundane seem to marvelously adventurous!

if i write to remind anyone of anything, it is myself. as much as i crave Jesus and crave His adventure for me, i just as easily lose sight of it. Let us pray to taste and see Him more and more each day!

in the meantime, between praying and packing, i will also be shopping for some new winter necessities. for all of my ga friends who know what i mean when i say that we only own gloves for the one day every three years or so when we may get a quarter of an inch of snow (just enough for all of the snow in the yard to make a single grey gross snowman, who sits in his yard for days, while the grass around him is green and the sun shiny). know what i mean? we do not ever see snow here. and when we do, or even when the word snow is mentioned in the nightly forecast, school is cancelled! here in the south, a snow day means a holiday... or even a holy day. i dont think that is the case in chicago... ha. but, i shall soon find out...

the leaves are falling

2008-11-06T17:00:00.001-08:00

what a week. what a day. words cannot describe that amount of toil and trouble today has brought to my head. mostly because if i were to use words, no one would really grasp how much it really did stir me, and would most likely write it off as petty instances through out my day.

you know those moments when you are so upset or angry or sad about something that you immediately pick up your phone, call your best friend, and begin sputtering off complaints (or obscenities) at the sound of their voice? you don't even have to hear their reply before you hear the weak reality of the situation in your own voice and words. all of the sudden, you find yourself apologizing to the other end of the phone for the reasons that were once so indignantly meaningful enough for you to get red in the face and call in the first place. welcome to the inside of my head. none of it makes sense.

what does make sense are Jesse McCartney's lyrics. seriously, his words brought me joy and made me laugh out loud at the most opportune time today.

"no stress, no stress, no stress

girl you deserve nothing but the best

no stress, no stress, no stress"

waiting on the Lord

2008-11-04T17:41:00.000-08:00

it is now november 4th and i have yet to receive a letter from Moody. since i began applying, all the way back in june, i kept november 1st as the "big day" in my day planner, in my prayers, in my telling everyone on the face of the earth when i would hear. i knew that i maybe wouldn't hear exactly on november 1st, but it was a specific time, and it worked for me, for my calendar, and my schedule. it is just like myself to put God and His time in the category of convenience. no matter how big i know God to be, i still seem to think time and time again that He will fit into the little boxes marked by the days of the week in my day planner. when will i learn that waiting on the Lord is far a greater solution (and purpose!) than following the time on my wrist watch?

the scripture that the Lord has given me over the course of the past three months is incredibly and specifically parallel to this very week of my life, that being job 22 and 23, as well as deuteronomy 1 and some chapters from numbers. somehow i find an overwhelming comfort and peace from the parallelism between the Israelites journey through the desert to the Promised land and my own current situation in life. They have escaped slavery by God's hand and are navigating the desert by a cloud and fire, trusting the Lord for manna to fall from the sky in the morning, as He leads them to a land of milk and honey. doesn't sound quite like my life, but i can assure you, as i read these age old stories, i am encouraged.

this semester spent living at home has definitely been a stage of desert/wilderness for me. i could write on this for hours and hours, possibly even days, but i will try to give you the summarized version. just as the israelites were brought into the desert, and also assured a way to the Promised Land if the obeyed and followed, i to believe that about my own life. just as the israelites depended upon God to provide for their needs every day (manna by morning), i am learning a lot about money, tithing, and living in God's provision. and even when God did provide manna every single morning, the israelites became greedy and questioned His provision, relenting over the meat and spices they were given when they were slaves. how much is it like us to desire more when God is faithfully providing? they were willing to step back into slavery in order to fulfill their desire for meat, even though God was faithfully providing them manna every single morning! so many times, even in the face of God's provision, i have questioned the goodness of His provisions, i have wanted more, i have allowed my mind to wander to things of old, to times in my life of slavery to sin or distraction. another parallel... in duet chapter 1, God sends Moses to tell the people that it is time to leave "Horeb" and enter the land that He has has promised them. it says that God sent Moses to say this in the 40th year (after 40 years in the wilderness) on the 1st day of the 11th month. now i know that the calendars then were most likely quite different from ours, but on my calendar, that is november 1st! wow...? God finally allowed the Israelites into the Promised Land, and the date can't help but reassure me that God will do the same for me.

this is the tricky part... what is the Promised Land? this is where i have prayed over and over again that the Lord be glorified above all. I hope that i no way i have idolized this opportunity to go to moody, and that no matter what, i will trust God to lead me to the land of milk and honey. if it not moody, it is something that i cannot see yet. something far far greater than anything i could dream up on my own. all in His time. this season, as noticed by a friend of mine, is all in the theme of "waiting upon the Lord". the israelites waited upon Him by day and night, by cloud and fire, by manna and dew from the sky, even by the voice of another, Moses. and i too shall wait for His word, His lead, His good ways and ancient paths. i will wait to hear from Moody, and to see where from there the Lord would have me go...

a dabble-do-ya

2008-10-25T19:17:00.000-07:00

a dabble-do-ya is what my grandmother calls her plate when she gets a little bit of everything. a dabble of potato salad. a dabble of shrimp salad. a dabble of fruit salad. a dabble-will-do-ya she says. thus, here is a dabble of this and a dabble of that from my life to paper... or, screen.

maybe the reason that i have found it most difficult to express thoughts on paper recently, is due to the fact that i haven't yet really vocalized or verbalized those things. i find myself isolated most of the time, and so many of my ideas and thoughts, and there are many, just float around in my head, battling past ideas and thoughts, none ever really being shared. i am used to community. i miss community. the telephone is nice. but face-to-face time is invaluable. i miss the community i was once a part of. but even more i am thankful for the opportunity i had to be a part of it. and eagerly await fellowship as such once more.

i spent a good 5ish hours reading today (i was baby sitting some easy-going kids). i am captivated by the words on the pages. so captivated that i am constantly earmarking pages and making notes in my journal for future reference. it is as if the words are gold. they encourage, edify, inspire, challenge, and confirm so much for me... sounds like i am describing the bible, but i am not, and wish i was. why has the Living Word of God become so dull for so many (myself included)? i have been reading the gospels over the past few months and just finished with john today. i have tried to really look at and imagine Jesus saying and doing the things that He said and did in His life. i think that we have been trained by the church to interpret Jesus as this gentle soft spoken man. and maybe He was. but i have to believe that hundreds of thousands of people did not follow a man miles and miles to hear Him speak softly. Although He was God, He was also man... human. all of this to say, i just think that (and maybe it is just me) today's church often portrays Jesus as this gentle shepherd, a lamb (yes, He is the lamb of God), but He is also warrior, rebel, revolutionary, radical. ha. just asked my little brother what he thought of when asked about Jesus... "powerful voice...". must just be me.

something else i have been thinking about... the bible talks about the man who builds his home in sand, and the man who builds his house on the rock. and we as followers of Christ are challenged to evaluate where exactly our foundations are laid. the home in the sand shall soon wash away, while the house on the rock stands firm. i believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that the initial foundation of my life is built on the sure and strong foundation of my faith in Christ. but recently, within the folds of my own thoughts, i have begun to question so many ideas that i once attributed to my "foundation". i think that i am discovering that although my foundation is surely in Christ, things built upon my foundation are themselves built in the Christian life. i hope and pray that it is Jesus' words and God's desires that are stirring this up in me, rather they my own imagination. but nonetheless, i cannot help but question if the life i have and am living, is based on Christ or based on the "Christian life". found in Christ? that i am sure of. i am in Him and He is in me. let me be clear, no doubt there. but after that... building on my first laid foundation in my faith in Christ and His blood shed for me, is my standard of living, my desires, the direction i walk, based on Christ, or Christian culture? so many of the ideas, standards, norms that i have accepted and have been taught are now being challenged as i read the bible and reflect and seek God's will for my life. maybe what i mean is that as i seek Him, i feel that He is leading me further and further away from much of what i thought to be the "Christian life".

i find out from moody in a week-ish. i recognize that this highly anticipated letter of admission has the capacity to bring me great joy and excitement or quite the heartache all in a moment's reading. my prayer, ultimately, is not that i would get in (altho i admit to praying that a few times), but that God's will would be done. and that furthermore, as His will is done, (and it will be done! hallelujah!) that my desires would be transformed into His desires, thus I wanting His will in my life and desiring it over Moody or any other plan i find most appealing or appropriate. easier said than done. but i pray that if God doesnt have me at moody, that following my opening this letter and seeing that, i would know that His plans are far greater than my own. and that i would eagerly await His direction as to those plans. either way this works out, be it moody or south america or europe or anywhere, pray that i eagerly hope and hold to nothing but the promise of God's goodness for me and His glory.

"Is it not, for all its sting, a wonderful way to live, Betty? To dream, and want and pray, almost savagely; then to commit and wait and see Him quietly pile all dreams aside and replace them with what we could not dream, the realized Will?" -Jim Elliot

so much more to say about so much. none of these were really dabbles of any sort. more large portions. my apologies. and seems as though words are coming back to me. lucky you. (sarcasm there).

2008

2008-10-24T07:55:00.000-07:00

the last few mornings, the Lord has been gracious in giving me joy. that doesn't sound right. what i mean is that He always graciously supplies me joy, but these past few mornings i haven't been so stubborn as to not receive it. not the joy i am normally prone to; the extreme "woo woo!" laughing and lots of energy joy. but more of a calm, life is good, maybe some tears, lots of inspiration, peace, restful joy. it was a nice morning, me in my car, rain hitting the windshield as i inched forward in traffic, heat at my feet, worship in my ears.

there are two other things that brought me joy this morning...

i took my little brother to breakfast and then to school. we both slept way through our alarms, but non the less, it was a successful attempt at spending a bit of quality time together, despite him being 20 minutes late for fca, the very reason i was to take him to school (oops). he really is the greatest person i know. we spent the day at little five points last weekend, fueling our desire to be trendy with very little money to spend. as we were driving, listening to music, making jokes, i began to think there was no other person i would rather be with. in fact, as i thought about it, in a world that judges and criticizes, i feel like my little brother is the one person i feel most accepts and loves me, no matter what. he is awesome.

the other thing that brought me joy this morning was an older couple that i saw from the window of my car. they were probably in their late 70's. her with her curly perm, him with his old man's hat. they were sitting at a small booth inside of burger king eating breakfast. what made me smile most, was that they were sitting on the same side of the booth, quite close in fact. reminded me of my grandparents before they passed way. so in love. so gentle and genuine in their love for each other.

what happened to their generation? to the morals and values, the ideas and norms of the "good ole' days"? and where are we going with all of our new technologies and innovations? everything seems to be getting faster and faster.

1988

2008-10-22T19:11:00.000-07:00

it has been hard for to me to write here recently. odd. i have plenty of thoughts. many ideas. my mind was just overflowing this morning with new revelations and mindful pursuits. yet somehow, every time i sit before this screen, my mind shifts from expressive mode to some kind of literary introvert. it is odd, even to myself. once i even wrote out an entire post... deleted it, rewrote, and deleted it again. its as if my word themselves do not feel very worth reading.

this whole time in my life is odd. odd in a very numb, painfully painless, repetitively new, challengingly mundane, intentionally confusing kind of way. does any of that make sense? not to me either. i know and hope and believe and trust that God's hand is divinely orchestrating each of my days, my steps, my plans. yet at the same time, i still feel so out of the loop, out of myself. i find it almost out of body saying all of this. part of me says to myself, "how could i not rest in His sovereignty and see that He really is orchestrating all of this? and because of His abundant sovereignty, move forward with great anticipation and passion, zeal and total confidence!?" and the other part of me just wants to sleep.

words simply do not suffice for anything these days.

on a rather different note, lighter and more colorful, id like to share my new pair of sunglasses with you... straight from the 80's to little five points to my face.

a ramble of rambles

2008-10-08T17:26:00.000-07:00

more often than not, i write a paragraph or so on here and then delete it and start all over to end up with something completely different than with what i first began with. when my hand and pen are to slow to capture all that is going on in my head, i think that i use this innocent blog as a venting outlet. i want to delete this paragraph... but i just deleted one before it. i will resist the urge.

as many of you know, i use words a lot. and when i use words, i use a lot of them. in fact, gentle and quiet are two things that i havent recently felt so much of, and i think i attribute a lot of that to my wordiness. all that to say, when i drive and have no one to listen (or respond), the talking goes on in my head. not that i talk to myself, although i do sometimes. i just think a lot about all of the things i want to talk about, and more recently, write about. like...

what if we, as the body of Christ, really began to live honest lives? as in, what if we stopped pretending that we had it all together all of the time and were vulnerable and open with the world, not just with our accountability circles. what would it look like? would the world receive us, thankful for our honesty, and see that although we are weak, in Him we are strong. or would the world use our honesty and vulnerability as yet another way to point us out as hypocrites? and should we be honest outside of those closest to us? should the entire body, or world, or congregation know how and when i am weakest? because once again, in my weakness may He be most magnified as my strength. i think that being so honest and vulnerable could be, would be, extremely dangerous. but if that is the case, than how do we begin to transform sunday mornings? how do we transform the church from being a place fluent in Christian-ese to a celebration for prodigal sons?

i sound super judgmental. not my aim. i too am a member of this socially christian wave that i call "christian-ese". i can talk the christian talk, pray the christian prayers, wear the christian shirts, sing the christian songs, stick the fish on my car, buy the bible verse bread, listen to the christian music, go to the christian stores, and so on... but does that really reflect my relationship with the Lord? and even more, if i am so busy being super christian... am i culturally aware and relevant enough to reach those who aren't christian, but are in fact hurt by the church, scared of religion, totally unaware of who Jesus is and how much He loves them?

are we, as the body of Christ, preparing ourselves culturally, mentally, emotionally, relationally, socially, and even scientifically to answer those who have questions? and are we ourselves getting our questions answered?

recently, rather than pursuing truth above all else, i have been shy to seek, more cautious to guard the truth i have, than seek more of it. but if we truly believe that God is truth, than let us ask Him to reveal more of Himself to us, and let us prepare and train our hearts and minds to live in a way that will meet those living outside of our christian circles.

relationships are key to sharing the gospel in an effective way. not all the time, but if you look at a lot of Jesus' ministry, he ministered through relationships. God made us relational beings at our very core, able to converse and communicate with Him, as well as each other. i am preaching more to myself as i write this than i am to anyone else. please do not take offense but see where i am, and where i feel the Lord is inviting me. i feel that He is very very very much inviting me out of the "american dream" into places and ways of adventure and risk. i have no clue what that means or looks like... but i am eager, and terrified, to step out of this. i do not know what "this" is.

so much ramble. my apologies.

2008-10-05T17:46:00.000-07:00

all of me is tired.

the mom in me

2008-10-03T20:47:00.001-07:00

i went to the movies with my mom tonight and we saw "the duchess". i cried. i will not give it away for all of those history enriched hungry movie-goers who enjoy a partly true, hardly accurate, portrayal of a famously historical character (not judging... i too am one those people). but the part that made me cry... had to do with a mother and her child. heavy.

vivi and bennett and i had a good day today. partly because my dear (awesome, patient, wise, super-cool, lovely) friend hannah spent the day with us. after breakfast and a few early morning chores, we packed a picnic for the road and piled the kids into the car to go to the only place where "a kid is free to be a kid!" yes... we went to chuckee cheeses. surprisingly, among all of the really cool places we wanted to take the kids, this one, although not the coolest (in my opinion... but B would beg to differ), was the cheapest. all of those fun yet educational places like the botanical gardens or fern bank or the center for puppetry arts... are super $$$. even though i would love to take the kids to a butterfly garden or puppet show or kids museum, tokens adorned with the face of a semi-creepy larger than life mouse are cheaper.

bennett won 160 tickets. actually... he probably only won 100 tickets. hannah and i found the rest on the floor and in abandoned game machines. i guess that 2,3,4, and 5 year olds dont care so much about the tickets as they do the flashing lights and pushing the germy buttons of the games.

afterwards we took our picnic to the park and sat in the middle of this awesome field. vivi napped in her stroller in the shade of a nearby tree. the weather was perfect. we ended the day with a new favorite movie of mine, happy feet.

a simple prompt

2008-09-25T14:28:00.000-07:00

for the longest time, id say from the period of 8th grade through the begining of my freshman year of college, my testimony was generally the same. i was born in... i was raised... i struggled with... i was challenged... i attended... i grew... and now... here i am. it varied every time i shared it, depending upon my use of exaggeration and time limit. but for the most part, it was easy. after all, it is my story, should be easy, right?

as ive written on many times before, my freshman year of college was incredible, life-changing, redefining. the Lord invited me to walk through some new windows, and doors, and to heal and learn and grow and embrace more of His truth. it was awesome. as all of this happened, i found that my "testimony" changed too. it really wasnt even that crucial tragic things were happening to dramatically add on in new chapters... but rather my outlook on life and who God was to me really began to morph, thus altering the way i recounted the story of my life and salvation.

all of this to say, i realized that the story of my life is ever-changing. thankfully.

well... in a volunteer training meeting recently, i was asked to write out in note format my "testimony", following a prompt that seemed simple enough. but the simplicity of this testimony-note-taking-deal turned out to challenge my preconceived notions more than i had expected.

"what is the theme of your testimony?" hmmm... i havent a theme... except the typical "i was lost now im found theme." right? but as i was forced to think of a theme that would be easy for students to relate to (in less than 3 minutes!!!!) something struck me... like lightening, seriously. i couldnt believe how unaware i have been to this fact. appearances. that is my theme.

it sounds totally prideful and selfish and vain, and it is. i was sitting in this wheely office chair when i realized that my entire life story, all of my struggles and sins, are attached by this string of appearances. without becoming way to personal, i can vouch for myself, that every major struggle and situation that the Lord has used to mold me into the person i am, somehow or another teeters on this theme of appearances. not necessarily my physical appearance, although that is a crucial part of the latter half. but even aside from my struggles with beauty and image, (which is the obvious side of a struggle with appearance) i can link the years even before that with a need to keep up an appearance of some sort.

when i was in elementary and middle school, it was all about fitting this perfect appearance of popularity. it was lame... and yet, at the time, seemed vital for life to be a part of the in-crowd. in high school my faith became much more real to me, and the need to be "popular" really wasnt the issue any longer. instead, i was striving for an appearance of an equally deadlier sort: appearing to be the perfect christian who had it all together, all the time. i was christian-eze to say the least. my identity, although in Christ, could way more easily be found in the Christian bookstore or in the youth group. although two very safe places (seemingly), it was all about the appearance of being that "good christian girl". even the transition in between middle and high school, when my family was going through a tumultuously trying time, my eye was on the prize... appearance. in the midst of some serious struggle and pain, rather than love, i was consumed with what others would think. my pain was not rooted in the hardship, but rather in the way people would perceive my family and myself in the midst of this hardship.

so much more falls into this category of appearances, but ultimately, from this simple note taking prompt, the Lord allowed me to realize that so much of my sin and struggle is rooted in this need to appear as something or someone that i am not. not that i am not something good. i think and know that the Lord has created me in His image, and that i believe is good! but rather, the what "i am not" part can be explained by the things that this world tells me i should be, and i am not.

when will i realize that what this world asks me to be... perfect, in the world's sense of the word, is something i never will be, nor do i really want to be. in Christ, i do not want to conform to the perfection ideal that this world advertises. but rather, i strive to be more like Christ, in His sense of the word. i live and strive for Christ's idea of perfection, knowing that i am working and living for something far more eternal than any standard of appearance that this world bargains before me. yet my flesh... in so many different ways, finds reasons to compromise and ways to stumble, so that i might just fit into this world... a world that i wasnt even created for.

i learn even as i write. phew. ha. i realize that this may not make sense to anyone else but me... but i have some scripture that i will refer to later. in the mean time... numbers 11.

thank you and goodnight.

brown bag lunches

2008-09-16T17:47:00.000-07:00

when i drive i think. too much. at least i think that i think too much. and i drive a lot for my job. therefore all of this driving equals lots of thinking. and today as i was driving and thinking, as many days have gone in the past, i began to think about my future. for so long i have wanted to be a missionary, traveling the world working with people of all nations, sharing Jesus with everyone.

it wasnt until this past year that this dream really began to sink in as reality. so when others were saying "i am studying to be a teacher"... or "i am studying to be a marine biologist"... or so on and so forth... i would say, "well... i am an art major... but i want to be a missionary!" it was just so funny, because at the time, i had no idea what that meant, to be a missionary. i still dont really know. be it sharing Christ's love through my hands or words... my passion is to travel, to live, to love people and show them Jesus.

recently i had to write an essay describing my long-term goals for ministry. hmmm... tough question. so i want to tell people about Jesus... but i have no idea how that will look. but as i look at my life and my passions and the things that have carried with me since my childhood, i think that i am beginning to get a pretty good idea of this. "this" being... well, i am not sure what "this" is. but i think i may have a slight idea of how maybe i would sort of like my life to look one day. (because i am totally the one in control of that. hah. yea right!)

all of this to say, there are certain priorities and passions that have sort of risen above other things. my three passions can be simply described as such... cooking, Christ, and art. How awesome would it be, that as a missionary living wherever on the map i am living, i could incorporate those three things in my effort to fully live for and exemplify my Savior to the world. i think it would be pretty awesome.

i have all of this much more organized in my head. but i realize how dangerous this can be... that is, planning my future rather than following where ever the Lord leads. but i certainly believe that He has given me the passions and desires i have for a reason, no doubt. may i bring Him glory in all that i do, through food, through friends, through coffee, through wallets or rings.

an old time favorite of mine was paula dean. not so much a fan any more since olive oil can be just as useful (and way more healthy) than paula's favorite ingredient... "more butter!" but she did inspire me. and she would make a nice grandmother. before she was famous, as a widowed single mother, she began to sell brown bag lunches out of her house. she would make meals, pack em up, and sell them to the people in her community. talk about my dream job. seriously. i would love to, where ever i am living, make lunch for people right out of my home!

where ever i live at all times in my life, i want to be active in the community, building relationships and being fully present. how cool would it be to make lunch for those living around me? maybe this only appeals to me. but i think it would be awesome.

this post has become much of a rant. but i am super excited about the future. in fact, way excited. right now just seems so blah. i know that this part of my life is a crucial stepping stone of learning and refinement, but whatever is next, i eagerly (and anxiously) await it.

so put me in germany, or holland, or singapore, somewhere in africa, maybe peru... give me a sewing machine, my bible, and a frying pan and i think that i might just be a happy girl.. a few other details depending.

how are you?

2008-09-14T18:00:00.001-07:00

this simple question of "how are you?" seems to pose much discomfort and complexity to me these days. it used to be... "how are you?" "im great/good/fine/bad/okay... how are you?" and the same or similar easy answer was regurgitated back in some simple form or another. even if the person posing the question is a close friend or relative, the question hardly really probes into what actually is going; into how a person actually is.

the question of "how are you?" is is almost a greeting. well, in fact, it is a greeting. i can think of so many times that a stranger has walked past me in the frozen food section of publix and said "how are you?" and then walked along without even pausing for answer.

but really, the reason i write about all of this, is that even if a person were to genuinely say, "how are you?", if i am anything but great, i have a tough time honestly answering. recently, things havent been so great. i really would probably answer in a string of complaints if i were to honestly answer the question. but every time someone asks me, genuinely asks me how i am doing, i hesitate. i pause and think for a bit of all the reasons i am not so great... i am gloomy and glummy and crummy... and then i think of all the reasons that i should say i am great because even though they do not make me feel great, they are certainly reasons to say i am great. and not just great but absolutely alive and free and feeling wonderful.

what i mean is that this part of my life is a bit crummy feeling. things are very different, times are tough, relationships are strained, my eyes tired and my heart a bit weak. but when i really think about it, i am humbly convicted, or rather reminded of the reasons i am alive. and even further, the reasons that my answer should be "i am doing absolutely incredible" every single time.

i am alive. i can breathe. i have food. a roof. a home. a bed. a soft orange down comforter. clean water. a family. lots of loving people. a job. support from those closest to me. genuine friends. electricity. air conditioning. health. a car. freedom. grace. forgiveness. mercy. hope. and the list goes on.

so really... how am i? presently... things may seem a bit rough. but objectively speaking, i am far too alive and forgiven and blessed to respond as anything but great.

"she is"

2008-09-10T18:31:00.000-07:00

great song. great artist. listen. please. thank you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOeJYkvi2CI&feature=related

i'm melting

2008-08-31T16:19:00.001-07:00

my first year of college was extremely challenging... in a totally awesome and life changing kind of way. it was a year marked with love, graciousness, brokenness, grace, mercy, love, and more love. God mercifully began to pull me out of sin, or rather pull the sin out of me. it was tough. and painful. and scary. oh and such freedom. i remember one day in the midst of all of this, sitting with my mentor as she referred to scripture in proverbs about a blacksmith heating silver to rid it of its impurities. basically, God turns up the heat so that He can refine us.

i am melting right now. i can feel it. literally, i am in such a time and place in my little life, where i can physically feel God doing something. be it my heart, my soul, my head... wherever, i feel it. it is uncomfortable, i am fearful, anxious, over whlemed, emotional... yet fully confident in His plan for me.

i can feel habits being modified. parts of my life that have been embedded in my identity are now being dug up and thrown out. things in my life, both personal and specific to me and my heart, He is asking me to sacrifice. He has me in a place that i see as so intentional, where everything comfortable has been removed. no school. no friends. no small group. no college ministry. He has put me in a place where i am feeling extremely dependent... and when i turn to the things that i have often found solace in, He urges me deeper, to look past and further, the cling to Him, the only thing that is true and solid.

i am reading a book about idols. finding that as simple as the concept is... golden calf... i am so guilty of this. i thought last semester was refinement...? well.. i sense that i am standing on an edge of more. everything is about to change. He is doing something new... something that will one day be grand and i will celebrate for it. but now, i am feeling like the isrealites, freed from bondage, but staring at a long, dry, wasteful, hot desert in front of me. actually, this time last year felt like a desert. this time... it feels like i am on the edge of a huge mountain range. i see cliffs, valleys, forests, lakes... all things that are beautifully challenging. all things that i can only cross and trek and discover with His mighty hand guiding me.

things are changing. things in my heart. this is not easy. i do not know where to begin. what to do. idols are everywhere. i feel trapped. i see, just in the last few days, how in bondage i am to some of the idols in my life. no golden calfs either, altho they might as well be. but rather simple things, even good things, that i have made captors of my decisions, heart, life.

oh He is changing me. redeeming me. freeing me. and it is gloriously painful. He is faithful.

the nanny diaries

2008-08-29T21:04:00.000-07:00

i am a nanny and i love my job. i wish that i had a small video recorder that was always on, always recording every funny and serious thing that the kids say and do. i watch my niece vivian who is one, her neighbor friend sayre who is also one, and my nephew bennett who is five. i also carpool with bennetts "friend" anna... who gave him his first kiss in the back seat of my car yesterday. dont mention it around him. he gets super embarrassed to the point of refusing to go back to pre-K.

id like to start another blog, just to write about all of the funny things that go on on a daily basis.

im not in a very funny mood. so this story may not be funny. but it it, in hindsight. to me at least.

yesterday afternoon, vivi and i headed to the car to load up and go pick up bennett and anna. in order to be at pre-K pickup on time, we leave the house at 12:45, no later. on this day, that is just when we were getting into the car when i realize that i have forgotten vivi's car seat in the back of her dad's car. normally this wouldnt be an issue... except for the fact the i left two of the car seats on the porch a few days prior... and they were (of course) infested with aunts!!! anyways... the infested car seats have been cleaned, re-cleaned, sprayed, and cleaned some more at this point... but still pretty groddy. in a state of "i-am-going-to-be-late-and-will-have-pay-a-crazy-late-fee-kind-of-panic-mode" i grabbed the dried up and no longer (hopefully) ant infested car seat and ran to buckle it into the back of my car, along with the two other car seats for anna and bennett. these three seats definitely make for a tight fit, and as i am standing 90 degree heat, vivi wobbling in between me and the console, trying to buckle this seat in without flashing the neighbors... my arm gets stuck. yes... my arm, as i am hunched over the seat, my back end out the car door, my arm gets stuck inside and under the car seat, or rather my watch on my arm. it hurt as i tried not to yell un-infant words into the air. it was pinching, and no matter which way i moved or squirmed, i was stuck and in pain. vivi just looked at me as i very obviously frustratingly remarked to her, "this makes me want to quite my job!" she didnt really respond. i finally manuevered my arm out to find a big red welp on the inside of my wrist. needless to say, vivi and i made it on time to pick up the kids, i didnt quit my job, and vivi is ant bite free. phew!

the nanny diaries

2008-08-22T07:59:00.000-07:00

1st... God is good. simply, He is faithful and good and He is love. i am learning a lot right now. He is pushing and prodding me, (seek and you will find, ask and you will receive) to places and opportunities that do not match up with anything i thought i would ever be doing or thinking or living out. although i am extremely terrified, i am loving this journey. in the past few months, the layout of my life has drastically changed. school to work. part-time to full-time. art to ministry. africa to atlanta. atlanta to where? i have been asking for adventure. ive gotten it. i have been asking for challenge. here it is. i have been asking for the Lord to show me the ancient paths that i am to take... here they are. what does that mean? i have no clue. all i know is that everyday the Lord is answering my prayers... pushing me further, and meeting me closer. if this is vague... good. im learning that details are not always necessary (surprising, seeing as im a talker and a teller of much detail.) simplicity is a beautiful thing. somehow, even the word simple, we, i, tend to turn it into this highly complex theme. my life has become quite simple recently, yet i find ways to make it so tangled, and i am so good at it too. seriously... looking back on the past 3ish-4ish months... my life has become increasingly more simple... but through very tangled and complex circumstances... which i think only seem to be such chaos because i made them to be so. oh i think way too much. but God is love, and love is simple... i think.

all of this life change has also brought about a lot of heart change. i find that i desire different things. i am loving a bit differently. and thinking a bit differently... i think (which still teeters on the line of thinking too much, but thinking too much in a different way... maybe?) anyways... all that to say... you can now buy lavender scented tires for your honda, ford, or other means of transportation. who doesnt want their tires to smell like a field of small purple flowers? seriously!? i dont know about you, but the scent of my tires is very important to me. in fact, i smell them annually. honestly, i check their scent on a weekly basis to be more truthful. (that was all sarcastic). really? really... first of all, if i was really concerned with the smell of my tires, i would not choose lavender (jasmine and orange to come later in the future). i would want something like chocolate chip cookie dough or maybe... fresh breeze... or even pine or cedar... but lavender? its like rubbing bath and body works lotion all over your tires, and then driving around on asphalt, running over chewed up gum and road kill. am i missing something? i wonder... are these tires similar to scratch and sniff stickers? when they tread on the road does the aroma let loose? i wonder if the cars around you in traffic can smell it... oh boy... what if someone next to you smells it, and is allergic, has a reaction, goes into some sort of shock, causes a major pile up... and sues me or you for driving with lavender scented tires. you never know. these tires could have some serious implications. i heard a statistic recently (that i dont really agree with) that a large majority of relationships begin on the road... like, the people meet in traffic. i only know of one such instance. anyways... this tire company should make tires that emit an aroma similar to an aphrodisiac.. meaning, it shoots you like cupids arrow and you fall for the driver of the car. talk about a money maker. i would buy those tires! (all sarcasm). if you drive a car with lavender scented tires, i apologize for making fun. im sure it is a great investment... yea. let me know how you like them.

lastly, i have decided to write a book. yes. a book full of recipes and ideas, drawings and stories, simple and funny and creative, that i will think and create as a nanny who is on the journey of life as i try to remain sane and keep my composure between cloth diapers and sweeping up cheese from the floor. im serious. the book writing begins... tomorrow, after i but some nice moleskin journals from b & n.

a baby is awake and crying from her mid-morning nap... until next time, psalm 37 shall suffice.

cooking lesson 101

2008-08-16T18:14:00.000-07:00

my dear and very funny friend taylor (since the 2nd grade) recently asked me if we could do cooking lessons. i was super excited and started telling her that we could go to whole foods and take them there... when she stopped me and said, "no noelle... i want you to teach me how to cook." hahaha. so, this past friday night, driving home from work as i sat in traffic, i planned a meal in my head and proceeded to the store for some theraputic grocery shopping. taylor met me at home shortly afterwards, where we began her first lessons in cooking... and cutting... and frying... and so on.

our menu for the night
Pan-Fried Tilapia
Mango, Pineapple, Lime Slaw
Baked Curry Potato Fries
Avocado Tomato Cucumber Salad
Blueberry Rasberry Cobbler

it was a splendid night full of good food and laughter. we ate well. managed zero cuts and one burn. we fried some pickles in our free time. and we ended the night as all good nights end... with an MIA dance party and a romantic movie about aspergers.

terrification

2008-08-11T19:39:00.000-07:00

oh wow. how adventurous life is when you ask God for it. some people like caving, others enjoy a good rapid or two. and all is nice. but adventure doesn't always have to be defined as hiking in the mountains or repelling off a cliff. (besides, i am afraid of heights). my life has become such an adventure. it may not be the adventure that some would find adventurous, but for me, my oh my. for those who may not know me or have gotten the chance to hear about the things that have gone down recently, please allow me to fill you in...

this past year i attended georgia college & state university... and loved it. it was the best year of my life. certainly challenging, but also engaging, life-changing, inspiring, amazing... and so many more words that end in -ing. i was happy. content. satisfied. in love with my friends, my ministry, and the front lawn trees. as summer came upon me, my foot got sick. i went under the knife for minor surgery, and ended up in bed for a few weeks watching reruns of top chef, over and over and over... and over again. i found myself sitting at a coffee shop one night, looking back on the first few weeks of summer... wastefully disgusted. i wanted so badly for the summer to offer me something new. i wanted to see God move outside of my campus ministries, personally in my life and family and community... but hardly had i cracked open my bible for fear of missing a second of... foot recovery? lame. i began to pray... and cry... and the Lord met me. so i had wasted a few weeks... but i had the rest of the summer, and from then on i went forward ambitious and eager and thirsty.

God got really good. i mean, He is always good, but as i really began to seek Him, He met me just the same. everyday He was moving and meeting me and loving me and teaching and showing me. and then... out of nowhere... maybe the sky, if thats where God lives, an opportunity fell into my lap. moody bible institute in chicago. how and where and what and all of that is another novel in and of itself... but basically, my heart was thrown into this hurricane of confusion, bewilderment, and anxiety. all of the sudden the Lord was urging me to apply to a school that i knew nothing about, when i was perfectly and completely content exactly where i was.

as time went on, God continually urged me to trust Him, to apply, to trust Him, to move forward, to trust Him. fearfully and anxiously and also extremely excited, i moved forward. i applied. i wrote. i requested. i called. i emailed. i freaked out (a lot). all the while, as i am applying to mbi... i was totally being attacked with fear and lies. but every single time i questioned the Lord and His doing, He met me. He brought me peace and confirmation, over and over again, in scripture, in prayer, in people, and it was so tangible! thank you Jesus.

time grew closer for me to move in to my house in milledgeville. at this point, i was super ready to live in milledgeville, even if for only 5 months. no part of me could even begin to imagine the idea of not returning. but the night before i was to move in, as i was packing and running last minute errands, something went off in my heart and my head. i wasnt supposed to go back. lots of tears and lots of prayers confirmed it, i was to stay at home this semester. but wow... God is good. so so so good.

let me just quit and make this long story short. God is big. i am living in such a season of transition. i am living at home, nannying full-time for my sister, saving $$$, waiting to see where and how God leads my next few steps. be it moody or south america or wherever... i am excited. excited doesnt do it... stoked. yes, i am stoked. a few months ago, i never would have ever of imagined or anticipated or even expected any type of change remotely as such, but here i am, on the edge of my seat, waiting to see what God does next.

i wish with all of my heart that i had many long hours to sit with each of you and share with you my heart, what the Father has done, and all of His glory and direction in this. but the time i do not have. so please, trust and know that He is doing a work much larger than any thing my hands or heart could create on their own. adventure, this is the time to follow and be so free in doing so.

mary and mary... part 2

2008-07-30T18:29:00.000-07:00

yesterday i was thinking and being anxious about my future. then i remembered what i had read in matthew 28 about mary and mary, how they ran towards Jesus in joy and fear, because they believed and held strongly to the truth they knew, that He was who He said He was, and was going to do exactly what He said He would do, in their case, rise from the dead. and in their fear and joy, Jesus met them and greeted them, taught and instructed them, and so on. its a beautiful thing, this simple verse (89). if you dont have any clue what i am speaking on, go back in the archives of my blog. you will find it all there.

anyways... i am sitting on my bum feeling anxious, when i think of this verse, and i began to pray and declare amidst my anxiety, that i would trust the Lord, and run in fear and joy (two things that seem to be so common on this journey of uncertainty), receiving whatever it is He has... because i trust and know Him to be good, to be real, to be truth.

then, as the Lord would have it, i open my bible to read what was next on my list. meaning, everyday i read the following chapter of the book i read the day before. i have been reading in mark, and as i open it up, wouldn't you know, the chapter i am due to read is mark's re-telling of the account of mary and mary. ha.

this time the verse reads a little differently, but hits just as near to home, if not nearer. let me share...

mary and mary have just seen the angel of the Lord...

"But go, tell His disciples and Peter, 'He is going ahead of you to Galilee; there you will see Him, just as He told you.' They went out and fled from the tomb for trembling and astonishment had gripped them, and they said nothing to anyone, for they were afraid." (16:7-8)

the two words that struck me were just as the words had in matthew. fear and joy. trembling and astonishment. so i used my nifty new tool, searchgodsword.org. and this is what i found...

trembling translates in greek to mean:
1. a trembling or quaking with fear
2. with fear and trembling, used to describe the anxiety of one who distrusts his ability completely to meet all requirements but religiously does his utmost to fulfill his duty.

is it me, or can you not relate to that? mary and mary were told to run after Jesus, to find His resurrected self in galilee... and they ran with trembling... with an anxiety in their hearts that they were not able to do such a thing, but ran anyways, because it wasnt about their ability, but about what they knew and believed about Jesus to be true. amen! it wasnt about their ability to serve or follow... but rather than His ability to meet them, because that is exactly what Jesus does, He meets them on the path towards galilee!

astonishment: there were three translations for this word, two of which may really meet your heart, but one specifically met mine. the third translation is this: amazement, the state of one who, either owing to the importance of the novelty of an event, is thrown into a state of blended fear and wonderment.

so mary and mary are not just physically trembling and astonished... but they are doubting their very ability to meet Jesus, to run after Him, just as they have been commanded, because they are fearful of their own inability, rather than that of their Lord. and they are also, in the same fear, overcome witha sense of blended fear and wonderment, at the very idea that Jesus, their lover, king, romancer, friend, and savior would be alive, and would meet them, despite their inabilities.

these two women have just been told by an angel that Jesus is alive and that they will see Him! and they run to Him like they believe it, despite their fears and inabilities. and HE MEETS THEM!

this is so applicable to my life. i have this blended anxiety of fear and wonderment as i look at my future. but the anxiety is no reflection of my faith in my God, but rather a fear that i don't have what it takes, that i am not equipped or ready or strong enough for what is in store. good thing it isnt about me. its about Him, coming through for me. fighting for me. meeting me. designing my future, promising me goodness and fullness of all of the life that He has made and wants to offer me. my job... to trust Him. to trust that He is who He says He is, will do what He said is doing, and to run towards Him, in fear and joy, in trembling and astonishment, because i trust His plans for me.

i fear this God we speak of. His plans are strikingly, overwhelmingly, beautifully and perfectly capable of rocking my world and filling my soul with a reverent and humbling fear. as i end this, i find myself wondering why the God of the universe would be so consumed and intentional in the small life of a mixed-up girl, hardly a woman, thoroughly distracted by the world, who tends to run into chairs and has yet to hardly comprehend what is meant by the words, to be a living sacrifice. thank you Father.

recipe time

2008-07-30T18:15:00.000-07:00

this is a recipe that i have made twice. im telling ya'll... i will write a cooking book one day. as my mom said tonite, "you can write a book and live off the royalties..." as a missionary. sounds like a plan to me.

purple curry fries

i use purple potatoes. (sounds weird... but they are pretty awesome)
random spicy spices that youve got on hand... chili powder, cayenne pepper, paprika, etc...
curry
olive oil
salt and pepper

wash the potatoes and peel off the bad places. slice them in strips or wedges. whichever you prefer. put in a bowl and drizzle with a tablespoon or so of olive oil. add salt, pepper, spices, and curry... as much as your mouth can handle. mix it all up with a fork... or your hands, until it coats everything.

spread on a baking sheet (cover in aluminum foil for easy clean up) and bake at 450 for about 12ish minutes. taste. when soft... put oven on high broil and take out when they are crispy.

eat them hot, with ketchup. for an extra kick, bbq sauce makes them spicier. im not sure why.

yumm. enjoy.

2008-07-26T16:34:00.000-07:00

beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

who beholds your beauty?

the world...

or the Father?

check this out

2008-07-21T16:59:00.000-07:00

i was reading in isaiah today. love it. but isaiah 66... for a second time, struck me and challenged me. i just didnt understand it... or what God was trying to tell me through it i guess. so i googled it, looking for something... an explanation or commentary... anything.

i found this. simple. yet so defining. check it out.

http://therobe.blogspot.com/2006/01/nation-in-day-is-667-9.html

its the blog of another and his personal opinion on isaiah 66:7-9, the part of scripture that had me thinking the most.

the idea he talks about is life altering... if one was to truly embrace it as truth, which i believe it every much is. enjoy : )

awe...

2008-07-20T15:06:00.000-07:00

i am just in awe at His faithfulness. no words, or colors, notes, or pencil sketches can begin to capture His goodness.

tears may do a little justice, not of His goodness or greatness, but of my awe. not weeping tears. just simple tears. watery eyes.

i am so undeserving. not just of His goodness... but of His thought. He thought me up? knit me together? painted my expressions? created my character and inspired my passions? really? why me?

no reason to make me. no plan that wont succeed with out me. no goal that cannot be met with out me. i am small. insignificant. yet... i was made. and not just made... but created. thought and energy were put into me.

how can one choose not to respond? with life and love and praise? i was made for something more. i feel it. and yet what i feel, i cannot describe. its something too great. i cant see it. or touch it. or smell or taste... but i feel it. all around me. my skin. my heart. my feet. i feel it, bigger and greater than something my physical body is capable of really feeling.

it is overwhelming. real. genuine. close. yet... i am hardly there.

shine

2008-07-19T14:22:00.001-07:00

just want to share something that i found. not to sure what it means or how it all relates... but i think it is interesting.

i began to ask the question, what is beauty? i have said so often "God made me beautiful.. I am beautiful... You have beauty... God finds beauty in you... etc..."... but what does that mean?

so i decided to not just believe it... but seek it. i started with the simple verse, proverbs 31:30.

"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised." (esv)

i have this new tool that i like to use... a lot. its a site where you can find the greek/hebrew root for most everything in the bible. it will give you multiple meanings/translations of words, root and origin, greek/hebrew pronunciation and spelling and such nice things. very useful.

i began to look into the words of this verse. i found the following...

charm= favour, grace, elegance, acceptance

deceptive=deceitful, disappointment, falsehood, lie

fleeting= vain, vanity, breath, vapour

fears= to revere, reverence, respect, honor, to stand in awe of, to be awed

praised= shine (of God's favour), to flash forth light, to praise, to boast, be boastful, and also can translate to 'celebrate'

when i read the verse as is... i see that beauty is fleeting (i will get wrinkles) and that charm is deceptive, but that to fear the Lord will bring me praise. now, i am no theologian, but a few of the alternate meanings of these words struck me, and so i rewrote the verse in my journal as such...

acceptance is disappointment and beauty is but a breath, but a woman who stands in awe of the Lord shall shine and flash forth light of God's favour. (nov; noelle's own version)

its the same verse, with the same meaning, but speaks to me in such a new way.

as women, we strive for acceptance... but in God's word... acceptance, even when we receive it, is disappointment. and isnt that true? i think of so many times that even with an abundant amount of acceptance from those around me, i was disappointed, unsatisfied.

and beauty is but a breath... no longer is beauty fleeting, but it is but a breath, a vapour. Job and Psalm 39 speak of a man's life as a breath... and beauty is the same. our beauty is so quick to vanish, just as we are. its not just fleeting with old age, but rather, it is gone in an instant.

to fear the Lord can also mean to stand in awe. how often do we stand in awe of the King? but when we do, when we stand in awe of the Creator, looking up and seeking His face, we will shine! i was so intrigued to find that the word 'praised' also meant to shine. not only will He celebrate over you, but He will shine on you and allow you to shine forth His light and favour to the world. wow. just to stand in awe of Him, and He shines on us.

i think thats awesome. really awesome. maybe that is what beauty is. Him shining so brightly on us and through us and in us...

edit... wow. this might seem so totally cheesy. but after i posted this and was re-reading it, i noticed some coincident significance between the picture and the post. in the picture... (thank you google images) all of the flowers are turned toward the sun, as sunflowers always do. in a way... they are standing in awe of the sun, and the sun is shining down on them. cheesy... and awesome.

listen to this song.

2008-07-17T07:27:00.001-07:00

i will write more later... but in the meant time... this song shall do.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=391783490

the critical inconsistencies of my current content

2008-07-14T15:13:00.000-07:00

i find it so challenging and in a sense, critical, how my current level of content can be so easily controlled by the seemingly important or unimportant circumstances surrounding me. i am constantly asking God to meet me... in scripture, in prayer, in joy... which i think is okay, and good to ask for. it is a form of seeking Him. but am i doing this because i have forgotten the content nature i was in only moments, hours, days before? what i mean, is that i know God to be good. I have seen it many times in my life, in creation, in scripture. and i know that He is unceasingly good (good in terms of His faithfulness and priority of glory, not good as in chocolate-chip pancakes for breakfast... altho He may be like that sometimes too). so if i know He is good, all the time... why do i continually forget to believe it, rather than just know it?

in mark chapter 6, 5-6, it says... "He could not do any miracles there (His hometown), except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. And he was amazed at their lack of faith."

Jesus was healing people (i love how it says... He couldnt do miracles, except lay hands on a few people and heal them... as if it was not a big deal at all. hah.) He was healing people! laying hands and healing people! yet... those around Him, still looked on in disbelief. they knew Him to be good, to be a healer, but it was still hard for them to believe it.

then in Job, and this may be way out of context, but it says... "If I summoned Him and He answered me, I would not believe that He was listening to my voice." chapter 9, vs 16. even Job admitted to not believing that God would be good, faithful, and hear His voice.

all this to say, i have seen God do miraculous, blessed, good, abundant works in and out of my life... yet i find myself questioning Him so often. the simple answer... i think... human nature. my state and level of content is so easily swayed by the things of this world.

i dont really have a conclusion to this blog. just the end. this was just on my mind. all of it said and done, id like to end with the simple statement... and often cliche, "God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good."

the fear and joy of the adventure

2008-07-08T13:04:00.000-07:00

let me share with you my great discovery from the morning. it begins in matthew chapter 28. two women, mary and mary. Jesus has been crucified and the two women find the tomb empty. the angel of the Lord appears to them and tells them that Jesus has risen and they should go and tell the disciples, and that they will see Jesus. upon hearing this, the women, eager to see their Savior... run.

So they departed quickly from the tomb with fear and great joy, and ran to tell his disciples. And behold, Jesus met them and said, "Greetings!" And they came up and took hold of His feet and worshiped Him. matthew 28:8-9

not to knock the disciples, or men... but later on in the chapter, when Jesus appears to His disciples, its says "but some doubted". but the women, they hadn't even seen Jesus yet, and they believed. they ran to tell the disciples that Jesus was alive and risen! they ran "with fear and great joy". they were scared. of course they were. this word, fear, translates in greek to mean dread or terror. they were terrified at the road ahead, for they had no idea what it looked like, but they knew and believed Jesus to be ALL that He said He was... and so they ran with fear... and great joy.

as i have experienced in my own life, when we seek the Father, He meets us. when these two women ran to Jesus, He "met them". it says that he greeted them, and other translations say that He said, "greetings!" to them. in greek, this word translates to mean many different things, all of which i feel can apply here. to affirm over, maintain, to teach, to advise, command, to call by name. Jesus did not just say greetings, in that moment He met with these women who had been running after Him, and He called them by name, maintained them, advised them, affirmed them. there is also a greek word that is in there, that i think makes for the "!" at the end of "greetings!" which translates to mean to rejoice, be glad, to rejoice exceedingly. Jesus met these women with exceeding gladness and rejoiced over them!

in response, the women "came up and took hold of His feet and worshiped Him". came translates to "draw near". in response to Jesus meeting with them, the woman once again chose to run, or rather, draw near to Him.

this is me. i read this passage this morning and felt like i was reading a story about my spiritual journey through my 1st semester of college. i was confused, scared, and fearful of the road before me. God seemed distant, as did I. But with fear, i also had great joy, because I knew and believed Him to be good. in my fear and joy, i ran, not knowing when or where i would find Him, i ran, and He met me, just as He met these women. and as He met me, He advised me, commanded me, maintained me, taught me, and called me by name. He gave me a new name, Hephzibah. The more He met me, the nearer I drew to Him, and Him to me. It was a beautiful thing. it still is. i experienced moments and days of brokenness, sorrow, all of which turned into healing and restoration, redemption and freedom.

once again, i am on a road... running, not really knowing where at all i am going (story of my life), fearful, some times more than others, but incredibly joyful, because as i have seen time and time again, He is who He says He is, and He does what He says He is going to do. this road... my fear and joy can be described more as anxiety and excitement. but either way... He will meet me. He already has.. this morning in this passage. and two days ago in job 23. and a few weeks ago in the wildflowers by 285. and a moment ago on the phone with my mentor. faithful is our God.

He is so good.

the lighter side of life

2008-07-05T19:56:00.000-07:00

i feel like my last post was unsettling. maybe not. i may have been the only person to read it (sad), but i feel unsettled about it, like i didnt finish it, or end it well, or really even make a valid point. so this post is going to be a little on the lighter side. whatever that means...

my mom called me last night to tell me that she cleaned out our pantry. i was very proud of her. it needed to be done. dirty job. if you knew my family, you would understand.

did you ever know a family to clean their pantry out and find so many bottles of oriental mixes, sauces, and dips? or rather so many different variations of soy sauce? me either.

this is the most recent painting of mine. i painted it a week or two... or three ago. but all it does it sit on the dresser in my room... bowing up and fading... so here it is. it had a meaning... but i forgot it. make one up for yourself. i think i was in the mind set of living in this very polluted and busy place {the world} and wanting freedom from it all... hence the hill and the flowers. im not really sure. like i said, its been a few weeks.

just a thought... not an attack

2008-07-02T13:50:00.000-07:00

i love jittery joes. just a shameless plug for my recent lounging couch and coffee place. but i miss blackbird. and i still frequent starbucks. oh coffee...

anyways... this post is not going to be extremely insightful, inspiring, or really even necessary. Just a few thoughts, or one, that i had a moment ago. think and reflect and thanks.

altho i am now on my regular spot of this grey suede-ish couch in the corner of this coffee shop with my same habitual drink as every single time that costs me a very worth-it-whole-burning-in-my-pocket-price of $4.12... i wasnt here a moment ago. i was at the racetrack gas station down the way. i was buying gas. and as i sit in my drivers seat, scrambling for my wallet, a car pulls up at the pump next to me. we make eye contact.... a normal thing. and then, as i get out of my car, another normal thing, i walk inside to pay the cashier before i begin pumping, and i can feel their eyes on me. i am dressed normal, jeans and a t-shirt. my large sunglasses are disguising my eyes... nothing spectacular about my hair. yet, i feel the eyes of these two men... penetrating this imaginary shell that i wish i was hiding inside of. their eyes remain on me, as i pay, as i pump, as i drive off... and its obvious... and unnerving.

i dont say this in a prideful way. please know that. i could have been any female.. shorter, taller, skinnier, larger, black, white, asian... i think they would have done the same thing. and these were normal guys. two men who looked upon me like they had the right to... like i belonged to them, in a sense. it wasn't awkward, but more violating. it wasn't a flattering look of... oh... cute girl... awkward eye contact... youre cute... i tripped... crap... did she see me? it was a look of trespass. and as i drove off... i felt guarded and cold; i had become uninviting.

i just finished Captivating yesterday and have read and learned that as a woman, i was made to invite people in... to my home, my heart, my life, my story, His story. but i couldnt help but become and feel very un-inviting in that moment. and i dont think that that situation was really my fault... or theirs. what i mean to say... is that parts of society, in my opinion, have made it alright for men to degrade women, to look and treat women with a sense of possession. in return we have also accepted it as okay, the response of most women to the overly violating and dominant advance of men.... women either a) become cold, uninviting, defensive... or b) they become to inviting... accepting the advances of these men who haven't earned a foot in the door.

biblically... men were made as leaders... and women to be submissive to that leadership. not that women cannot be leaders, and not that we have to do all that man says... but... biblically, God designed us to work together in a very specific and working machine, partnership. We offer parts of ourself to each other and work together to make things happen, such as life.

Captivating uses the example of sex and the creation of a human life to illustrate how intricately man and woman work together for a purpose. but along the way, the enemy has seeped so sneakily into our culture, that we have lost sight of this partnership. i mean... you see "partnerships" all the time... relationships, marriages... and affairs, divorce, abuse and other such things.

all this to say, how can we begin to claim what is ours? how can we begin to live, men and women, loving each other, truly loving each other as brother and sister in Christ, respecting each other, working together to amplify the mighty work of our Creator's hands, and empowering and supporting each other in the ways we were meant to?

we must seek the Father. for it is ONLY with Him that we will be able to claim back all that the enemy has stolen. i pray that our generation will fight back, or rather allow our Savior to fight for us, and that we will stand behind His claims and ways, asking and praying for grace and mercy and victory over the enemy. Let us pray for our culture, the media, society, that they too would get it.

this is so rambled. and not at all what it was intended to be. sorry...?

and its back to beauty.

2008-06-28T18:30:00.000-07:00

"...it is a rare woman who chooses to keep her heart alive in this dangerous world." -captivating, 146

today i had the opportunity to sell my art, my love, at a cute and small farmer's market. what a beautiful day it was. the trees watching overhead, dirt under my feet, the sunlight escaping through the damp canopy of leaves. i was surrounded by people who loved life and loved cultivating life. there were awkward moments... moments when i wanted so badly to say something clever, or even business like, as someone glanced at my collection of handmade things. pausing... i would watch my words and actions... "sit down, stand up... no sit... say hello... ask how they are... crap... i just repeated my self". all the while... fearful of being myself. but by the end of the event, through awkward conversations, a few $4.25 transactions, and a taste or two of cornbread, i was pleased with the morning. i passed through those moments, continually praying, God give me strength, courage, glow, love, patience, confidence. and He did. the day was glorious... as i made my way to being myself, unafraid of saying to much or to little.

but there was another woman there, who also seemed uncomfortable, as i was to begin with. she was a beautiful woman. with a beautiful craft. but for some reason... the whole morning, she seemed scared, afraid to speak or move. not in an obvious way, just her demeanor allowed for me to see that she didnt seem to be offering all that she was to us, to the world. i think i only really picked up on this, because during small talk and sales, i was reading in my book, captivating.

this book has used God's word over and over again to tell me, remind me, confirm to me that i was made in the image of the Living God, with much more beauty to offer this world than anyone has ever allowed me to believe.

Let me relay some of the things that i have read and held on to...

"God created you as a woman. God created man in His own image... male and female He created them... genesis 1:27. Whatever it means to bear God's image, you do so as a woman. Female. That's how and where you bear His image. Your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities- as a reflection of God's own heart." 8
"Eve is essential. She has an irreplaceable role to play... women are endowed with fierce devotion, an ability to suffer great hardships, a vision to make the world a better place." 33
"Beauty is essential to God... Beauty is the essence of God." 34
"Beauty is an essence that is given to every woman at her creation." 42
"God gave Eve a beautiful form and a beautiful spirit. She expresses beauty in both. Better she expresses beauty simply in who she is. Like God, it is her essence." 36
"A woman is not a problem to be solved, but a vast wonder to be enjoyed." 41
"There is a radiance hidden in your heart that the world desperately needs." 42
"Beauty speaks... beauty invites... beauty nourishes... beauty comforts... beauty inspires... beauty is transcendent..." 37-40

as many of you know, this past year and summer have marked such a long road of seeking true beauty. i have been broken, lost, hurt, emptied, naked... and renewed. my Savior has taken me from a weak material foundation of sand... to a strong stone rock of biblical, endowed, beauty that was created in me at the beginning of time. what a journey it has been... and will continue to be.

we live in a world that has trained us, or rather brainwashed us, to believe that beauty is defined in a size, a color, a shape, a silhouette, a style, a commercial, a bottle, an ad, a bikini, a pill, a diet... and that if that isn't the beauty we possess... well then, we dont possess beauty. let me cry out again... what a lie!

we have been created with beauty knitted into or souls and our flesh. women are beautiful creatures, created by God to be His essence of beauty to the world, His description of beauty, a tangible gift of beauty to this world so desperately in need of realizing what true beauty really is. He chose to create the woman sensitive, caring, devoted, loving, passionate... so that we could give and offer beauty to the world. but somewhere along the way, between the apple and now, we've lost sight of our beauty. we have begun this vicious cycle of never being enough... and hiding the beauty that we do have, because we have been told it's not beauty worth offering.

so many of us, like the woman i mentioned before, have such a beauty within us, but are to deathly afraid to reveal it to this world that so desperately needs it. we are afraid of being rejected.. of being told it's not good enough, skinny enough, funny enough, caring enough, smart enough, creative enough. most of have been told that before... by the world. so we've hidden it. we are afraid to be the beautiful women God MADE us to be.. therefore we hide in these fasaudes of what we think people want... or what we think beauty is.

is anyone following me? i have lived my life to long in the shadow of this thundering not-good-enough cloud. screw the cloud. God created me to be radiant, to shine, to glow, to be a beautiful fragrance to this world... and i have been hiding it for to long, hiding in fear. hiding because i've heard over and over again that according to the world, im not what the boys are looking for. since when am i supposed to live my life for them? i say i am a follower of Christ... so why not begin to follow and believe and trust exactly what He says about me, about the way i am made, and the beauty He bestowed upon me during my creation?

this is so long... but so important to me... to share with you... and share with myself, daily.

to end... i heard this song... "Mirror" by the Barlow Girls

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won't define me
Sorry you don't own me
Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, I won't try
Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me
You don't define me, you don't define me

claim it

2008-06-26T13:39:00.000-07:00

this week, or month, or even series of recent posts seems to carry the theme of "claiming it". what i mean, or what i have said in the past... is that i am learning, and experiencing too, the joy of joy. the freedom and victory of the things of God that are promised to me. for so long, and still in the present tense, i have been living this life (let me reiterate, still living) of complacency, fearful to ask much of God, in return that i may not receive much.

i think that many of us are fearful, too timid to declare victory, ask for freedom, ask for healing, hope for salvation. we have this fear that if we ask... we might not receive... so too often, we dont ask.

i am victim of this. in so many areas of my life... i would rather worry and be anxious, than ask God for the answer, pray, or seek Him.

i believe in the power of the Holy Spirit with out a doubt. I have seen Him move in my life and the lives of those around me, and know from scripture what is promised to me (ephesians 1:13). but i also believe that many times, God only provides as much as we expect. if you expect little, if you put God in this small pocket size box, He will respond in that way. God wants our love, our attention, or praise, our time, our affection, our obedience... He wants us to seek Him in passionate, heartfelt, meaningful, needy, desiring, hungry and thirsty ways. He wants to be the only thing that satisfies us, because He knows that He is the only thing that will ultimately satisfy us.

as oprah once confused, God is not jealous of us, but for us. He wants us. He wants to be intimately connected with us, doing life with us. interesting thought. He wants us to expect big things of Hm, because He wants to do those big and good things for us.

Let us be a generation that earnestly seeks God, with the hope and belief that HE WILL respond in the same manner. Let us not be afraid to ask things of Him... let us ask Him to change our eyes, change this world, change the church, revival in our communities, salvation of the lost, cures for AIDS and cancer, the end of genocide, starvation, hunger, human trafficking. Let us ask our God for the things that only He can do.

now i am just rambling... but let us claim the things promised to us and believe God for the things we claim.

make sense?

sad.

2008-06-21T20:13:00.000-07:00

this post has been sadly deleted.

i can feel you all around me

2008-06-20T19:43:00.000-07:00

so... this song was shown to me by a friend... and in a way that i havent had words... puts words to a feeling, or rather an experience...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=_-sNIWi2fLs

i have been overwhelmed at the... specific nature of God to meet me in the most random moments. especially this week, i have had so many moments of overflowing joy, that ive come to expect it; i ask for it. i was driving home tonight, and this dark "you are alone" feeling began to creep over me... so i asked for joy. and there it was. it was a choice, yes. i chose joy... and then it was freely given to me. what a gift.

so often, we allow these moments of loneliness, sadness, depression to come over us... but why? i understand that we all have trials, tragedies, struggles in our lives... but if joy belongs to us... why not choose joy?

please understand, i am not discrediting any of our other emotions. mourning is good. love is overwhelming. sadness and anger and frustration are all necessary at times. but... in those moments, we can also choose to be overwhelmed by God's great grace and mercy and joy. let us take advantage of His goodness and healing power. He wants so badly to love us, hold us, heal us, overwhelm us.

God wants to overwhelm me.

easier said than done... i know. it is definitely a choice. and a hard choice most of the time. im still working on it...

if you still arent feeling the joy (ask for it) ... imagine me in my car, alone, in a moment of joy, tonite, screaming/singing/dancing to a random selection of cheesy songs on Spirit satellite radio.

goodnite.

the ramblings of a wildflower

2008-06-17T17:30:00.000-07:00

hello my readers... the few that you are.

so often, i think that i am so involved and focused on the big picture, that i fail to admire the small pictures.

wildflowers. these small 'weeds' you could say, are beautiful. to me at least. i have always loved them, especially when growing in highway medians. consider... these beautiful flowers are growing amidst traffic, metal, asphalt, pollution, exhaust, tires, and other such garbage. yet, among all of the chaotic workings of the roads, these flowers manage to survive... to thrive... and for me, bring a smile to my face.

if my life could be described in one cheesy phrase, days or years from now, i would wish that someone would say, "she lived the life of a wildflower growing in a highway median." seriously. i pray that despite the world around me, polluted and fast and dark, that i would live and thrive. that i would bring joy and hope to those passing by, and that i would stand firm and beautiful in all that i am, or rather in all that i have been made to be. and that one day, as in the blink of an eye, when i am gone, i pray that i will have left behind numerous like me... other wildflowers, living in my legacy, in my foot steps, shining for all those who pass by.

cheeesy. i know. but we all need a little cheese every once in a while. speaking of which, happy 5th birthday (tomorrow) to my very favorite (and only) nephew, bennett andrew ekmark! we celebrated at chuck-e-cheeses last nite. maybe i was really small, but i remember that place being much larger as a kid.

a small picture from today... my nephew singing and dancing to soulja boy for me. something he picked up from his preschool friends. hmmm...

i was driving to my sisters house today, and yesterday, and again tomorrow and the next day... to nanny, and as i merged onto 285 from ga 400... i see this beautiful patch of bright yellow wildflowers in the median. something in my heart turns every time i see them. as much as i aspire to be like them... i also rejoice in their beauty, simplicity, and boldness. and then... i learned this small lesson, or rather realized it... He rejoices in me. just as i am. just where i am. just who i am... He rejoices in me.

what a simple truth.

why choose to be so unsatisfied?

2008-06-14T22:16:00.001-07:00

i have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. i have experienced His overflowing joy, incomprehensible grace, abundant love, perfect peace. and enduring faithfulness. i know that He is good. and i believe it. i know and believe, both in my head and my heart, that He is the only thing to ever fully satisfy me.

so why i am constantly chasing after the things of the world that will only leave me satisfied for a short time, with a bitter taste on my tongue and a longing in my heart?

a wise young friend of mine said this... "I'm not satisfied with what the world has to offer, I want more." and i 2nd her. the ideas of life and beauty and love that the world offer me daily, have left me empty and hurt every time ive chosen to follow them.

we are human, made in His image, yet inclined to fail and fall because of our own sin. ultimately, no matter how deeply we know His goodness and believe His truth for life and joy and freedom, we must never become lazy or slow in our pursuit. we must keep our eyes on Him, constantly, chasing, running hard after His face. for the moment we turn our eyes, or slow our feet, the enemy is quick to trip us, distract us, and cause us to stumble.

i have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. yes. i have experienced moments of His full and true satisfaction. let me cling to those moments and seek my Jesus with every breath and thought and second that goes by, rather than chase the things of the world that have hurt and failed me so many times.

in Jesus i am satisfied. He is living water to the thirsty... streams in the desert... light in the darkness.

the simplicity of it all

2008-06-13T16:22:00.001-07:00

it is so simple. i re-heard the story of the crucifixion this past week, and as many times i have heard it over and over in my life, this time it was so simple... so clear... so powerful.

i spent the last five days in myrtle beach, sc, watching and experiencing God work in mighty ways. i saw lives change before my eyes, chains of pain and suffering and sin breaking, and children of God coming together to love and praise Him in unity.

but when it comes down to it, its all about love. hmm. the simplicity of it all. Love Jesus. Be loved by Jesus. Love people.

free bird.

2008-06-05T08:35:00.001-07:00

its funny, how the Lord uses our own breaking points, to minister to others. He takes our deepest, darkest, most painful and shameful moments to tell others about Him. He uses our weak moments, He uses the weak. Time and time again in the bible we are told of Him rising up the young, or frail, or small as leaders and warriors. Jesus was born as a baby... Mary, His mother was 14 and David was only a boy when he defeated Goliath. Why would the Lord, the Almighty God of the universe, choose the weak to display His glory? Because it is only my God that is capable of taking such things and make glory out of them.

It is only my God who can turn a teen pregnancy into a life saver and life maker. It is only my God who can turn an eating disorder into a beautiful ministry. It is only my God who can turn an evangelistic tent bomber into a born-again missionary and preacher of the gospel. It is only my God who can turn a broken foot into a time to sit at His feet. It is only my God who can part the seas and who can flood the earth.

He uses the weak to lead the strong. He doesnt ask us to be perfect, to be strong, to be powerful, or to be rich, or famous, or old. He takes us exactly where we are, sick, weak, scared, incapable, hungry, thirsty, lost, young... and He uses us, just as we are, just as i am.

Praise the Lord that He is bigger than all of my issues, for without Him living inside of me, i would be nothing. without my Jesus, i am nothing.

in my weak and young self, still as i am, i reread a letter that i wrote a month ago to my parents about cutting my hair, and all of the struggles and pain and prayers that had led up to it. as i read it, i began to cry... but this time, the tears were not for myself. they were for all of the girls that i now represent. yes, i am still weak and still figuring things out and seeking beauty... and i will be for the rest of my life. but as the Lord has begun to heal me... He wants to heal others too.

i cry for the girls who dont know what true beauty is. who are fearful of their reflections, scared of being who God has created them to be. girls who are suffering, crying, starving, cutting, drinking, giving themselves away again and again to find beauty in the eyes of the world. please hear me girls, there is freedom. i have tasted it. i have tasted freedom... and i am learning to live in it, to dance in freedom from this world all of my days. join me. what this world has to offer you is nothing in comparison to the joy and freedom and treaure of your Father, who waits patiently to romance you and set you free.

the caged bird sings... because she is not in a cage anymore : )

change.

2008-06-04T14:27:00.000-07:00

"I am the Lord; that is my name;
my glory I give to no other,
nor my praise to carved idols.
Behold the former things have come
to pass,
and new things I now declare;
before they spring forth
I tell you of them."
isaiah 42:8

As I look back and reflect and think and even speak on this past year, and all that the Lord has done, and is continuing to do, I cant help but relish in the fact that He has been so gracious in showing me so much, about myself especially and myself in relevance to His children.

Just today i was at my new favorite spot, jittery joes (they have FREE wifi : ) i frequent this coffee shop often... probably too often for my wallet, but i love my iced vanilla latte, enough to break the bank $4.12 every time i go. anyways... i was there today, leaving after meeting with a dear friend, and one of the baristas, who i have spoken to many times, asked to see my school id slipping out of my wallet. as i showed it to her, she saw what i looked like at the beg of my freshman year... preppy, long blonde hair... i looked like me. and she said, "wow, look at you all punky now." hahaha. and although it doesnt seem like a big deal... it is.

all of high school, i was known as so many titles... fca, student venture, christian, northpoint, preppy, student council... all of these things that defined who i was. all of them great ministries and interests and such... but everyone knew me as these things.. or expected me to fit this image i had made for myself, an image and identity i was very proud.. or rather prideful of.

i got to college... and as the Lord began showing me more about myself, my sin, my tendencies, and pulling my sins out of me like pulling strings out of a rubber ball... i began to change, to morph, to mature, to find less of myself and more of Him, and in doing so, really finding more of myself... if that makes sense.

when i say pulling strings out of a rubber ball.. a rubber ball (if it was alive) would have no idea there were strings in it... but as they were pulled out, it would be undeniable, "hey there are strings in me"... well with me... seeds that i didnt even know that were planted so deep into my flesh and my identity, that the Lord has to pull them out. the rubber ball analogy may be a stretch... but it was all i could think of.

the Lord has been so gracious in allowing me to see things in my life that were idols.. sins... that He wanted to heal me of.

for example... the way i viewed myself, and still struggle to control. i lived for 19 years hating my reflection, hiding behind my long blonde hair and cute clothes... hoping no one could really see what i saw in the mirror. and because of society... i thought that this way of thinking and self loathing was acceptable. every time i would confide to another of my self suffering... they would say, "its ok... all girls feel that way in some way or another." what a LIE that is! how much have we allowed the enemy's lies to seep into our culture, that we would think it ok to accept anything less than beautiful for ourselves? i was convinced that hating myself, my body and appearance and personality, which was all formed in His image, was okay. what a LIE i had been fed... and was at fault for accepting!

but gracious and merciful is the Father... and as stated above in isaiah 42... He wont allow anything or anyone to have glory but His name... my beauty had become a carved idol. i was giving glory to my appearance... or rather striving for glory... all the while suffering from the standard that i thought was glorious... skinny, holly wood, movie star beautiful.

girls, please hear me... my cry is that what culture says is beautiful is such a deception! never accept anything less than Gods standard of beauty for yourself! we are made in His image, made to embody the physical characteristics of Gods beauty! what an honor... that He would choose to create us in Him image for His display of beauty to all of the world!

not to say that i have it all together, but finally, i have begun to crack this wall that i have built in front of me. this wall that says i cant pass until i am this size, this weight, and this height. this wall that demands unrealistic ideals for me to be beautiful, thus being happy. when did we as women allow a certain prototype to represent beauty, and when did we start thinking that beauty = happiness? love? acceptance? success?

i dont have it all together. i am still learning, struggling, searching for Gods beauty. but what i do know... is that when you allow Him be your idol.. your One perfecter... your definer of beauty, and you break your idols at His feet... He will show you a new thing... a new and glorious thing that is far more beautiful than the world could ever try to deceive you of.

hephzibah

2008-05-31T22:34:00.000-07:00

who am i that the God of the universe would ask me to return to Him after my history (and future) of recorded failures, struggles, inabilities, fears, and faithless moments?

who am i that this God of mine would seek me out time and time and time and time again, after i have run and run and hidden and fallen and run far far away so many many times before?

who am i that the Creator of the universe would mark me as His, paid for, redeemed, forgiven, worthy, beautiful, precious, and righteous?

why would anyone, especially a God who has so many faithful followers, choose to seek me and pursue me, when i have spit in His face, run from His hand, and sworn at His name so many times?

what makes Him want me, chase after me, beckon me... a woman who by so many other's standards isn't worth it...?

He loves me despite my doubts, amidst my faults, through my struggles, in my darkness, above my pride, past my reflection, and into the depths of my soul.

My God doesn't just carry me through... but He rises me above.. above the filthy lies and foggy footsteps of the world, and He allows me glimpse and taste a picture far greater and sweeter and more beautiful than any hand painted canvas.

My Father loves me past all things broken and tarnished within my heart and soul.

His Delight is in me. He delights in my spirit, my laugh, my walk, my small pinky toes, my passions, my fear of heights, my love of toads, my allergy to horses, and my affliction towards asparagus.

He is not jealous of me... but for me. He asks only for my love... which at times, i fail to even give Him that.

He speaks to my heart, inspires it into life and creativity, when even piano keys and paint brushes fail to do so.

i want this world to know my God, my Saviour, my Redeemer, lover, treasure, prize, keeper, shelter, refuge, and warm place to rest.

the orphan, the talk show host, the CEO, the single mother, the working dad, the cafeteria lady, the doubting pastors wife, the bully on the playground, the model on the runway, the scared in the alley, the one cutting and the one being cut, the poet, the barista, the immigrant, the old, the young, the intelligent, the simple... i want the world to know the One who has saved me and offered me new life.

yea... i agree.

2008-05-18T09:09:00.000-07:00

so i read in genesis this morning in my ESVersion bible. then i went online and scanned the NIVersion, trying to better understand some things in the text. and then i googled a specific verse, trying to find some commentary about it. and i found this blog, and i read it, and i really liked what it had to say.

basically, this blog focuses on the first few chapters of genesis... which can be pretty complex ideas when you analyze them. but the author took the beginning of genesis, the creation of humanity, man and woman, in Gods image, and went through the text and pulled out the most profound and simple conclusions of Gods work. make sense?

ill share with you a few of my favorite points.. and then you can check it out for yourself... after i give you my own commentary. hah.

http://realmealministries.org/WordPress/?p=158#comment-112548

"Racial tensions, ethnic squabbling, and dangerous explosions of nationalism continue to remind us of the divisions that exist among those whom God has created to bear God’s image. Even our churches reflect this. It remains a valid critique of modern Christianity in America to say that Sunday morning worship remains the most segregated time in our nation. Yet, Paul clearly saw the reality of a new humanity in Jesus that reflects our Creator’s original plan:

Galatians 3:28 "There is no longer Jew or Greek, there is no longer slave or free, there is no longer male and female; for all of you are one in Christ Jesus".

This truth is crucial for a correct attitude toward humanity. All persons are born in the image of God. This means that each person carries intrinsic value. Each human has the potential to live out God’s purposes. There are no throw away or disposable people. The Church cannot pick and choose worthy recipients for the Gospel message. All are worthy because all bear the image of God. Thus, all possess the potential to fulfill God’s purposes. Chris Wright reminds us, “Mission is not primarily to Hindus and Muslims, but to people in God’s image to whom God can speak and who stand before God in his judgement and mercy.” I would add that we are not called to minister to the homeless, the addicted, the impoverished, the narcissistic, the suburban, the urban, but simply to those who desperately need God.

Conversely, this truth speaks a word to the degradation and continued devaluing of human life in our country and world. Every person is born with an intrinsic value in the eyes of God. Every life has a wealth of potential. Every person lost to starvation, violence, abuse, and disease represents a loss to the wider human family. The Church needs to take this truth seriously in its embodiment of God’s mission."

heavy stuff. take those last two sentences... we as the church, as the body of Christ, need to take the idea, the fact, that ALL people are part of our "wider human family" seriously. this is our family, these people that we are waging war against, those without water, the prostitutes, the criminals, those on death row, the sick and hungry, the evil, the intellectual... they are our brothers and sisters, made with value, worth, and purpose! how have we lost this in church today? why are we not on our knees praying for compassion for these?

Jesus was radical. He had to of been. How could He of gathered such a strong following if He wasnt a radical and bold person? so often ive imagined Jesus as this calm man with gentle hands and a gentle voice.. who walked slowly and spoke sweetly... but seriously? i mean, you can imagine Jesus however youd like... but if He were here today... i think He wold wear tie-dye and chacos... and a big hemp necklace and i think He would be funny, and loud, and personable, and friendly. i think He would capture an audience, wherever He was, be it preaching or telling a story.

Jesus was a crazy guy that made crazy claims! He claimed to be the Son of God! and if you and i are going to choose to follow this man called Jesus.... our lives are not going to be spent contently sitting in a church pue with hands crossed and heads bowed. our lives, a life truly following after the Lord and seeking His face, is a life of reckless abandonment. we are called to be recklessly abandoned to the Lord... to lay our own lives down for Him. do we really get the weight of this?

for so long, not all, but many christians and churches have led the world to believe that Jesus was hateful and judgemental... that He hated sin and hated the sinner. Yes, God hates sin, He despises it... but the sinner, that is His child! He longs to be near the sinner. to comfort the sinner. to comfort the broken. the lost. the weary.

we as a body, at least in my own life, me, myself, i have depicted Jesus through my speech and actions as a judgemental complacent being. but who am i to get in the way of the love and compassion of Jesus Christ anymore?

the more i learn and grow, the more i am challenged to live a life wholly surrendered to One's glory, not myself.

God is calling up a new generation. a generation of followers and seekers. a generation of His children who are willing to follow Him to the depths and then seek Him even deeper. He is asking us to redefine what it means to love and know Jesus.

seriously ?

2008-05-15T16:45:00.000-07:00

seriously, i am blessed beyond belief. i am blessed with life, friends, family, a roof, food, joy, healthcare, clean sheets, shoes, band aids, toothpaste, water, ice cream, sunscreen, school, pillows, salt, the ability to talk, walk, and run... so much. so many things that i take for granted every day, every minute. i am blessed. Yes the Lord's promises are many. The Lord promises to keep me, but He has abundantly kept me.

sometimes, a lot of the time, it hits me how unfair {i think} it is. Why me Lord? why give me abundance of so much, when others have nothing? absolutely nothing but the ground beneath their feet and the air in their lungs. and i could dwell on this and roll in it, and sometimes i do... tossing and turning, questioning Gods goodness to me versus others. but... i have learned, or rather He has allowed me to see two great things...

in many of the places i have traveled, i have met people with so little, materially speaking, but so much joy. so much happiness. so much hope. i look at these women living with HIV, raising 4 children on their own, with no job and no source of an income... and i see this joy. i see Christ exuding from their eyes. i meet children who have lost both of their parents, all of their brothers and sisters, and are living in a home with 10 or 20 or 30 just like them, with the same sad story. yet i see hope, i see Jesus. these kids know Jesus. they dance for Him, cry out to Him, they depend on Him... altho the events of their lives may appear to us as otherwise, these children claim and declare that "He is good".

so i have seen that those who have little (in the world's eyes), but who have Jesus, have much. much love and hope and joy for He is all they need. and i, growing and living in a world of so much material-ness thrown at me all of the time... wonder how they get by. thus i recognize that in a sense, i am very much at a disadvantage... they know Jesus in such a way that i do not, because He is all they have. i know Him in such a way that He is constantly competing for my time and affection with tv, friends, eating, playing, the mirror, my own vanity, and the rest of this loud loud world.

okay, so i say i am at a disadvantage... but please understand, i am blessed and would never change what the Lord has given me. i also recognize that... because He has given me so much (even if it is material), He has given it to me for a reason. someone once told me, "you were born in america for a reason." meaning... yes, it could be a disadvantage that i am easily so distracted by money, media, and toys... BUT... if i choose to follow Jesus, wholeheartedly seeking Him , He will show me why i was born here, and what i can do with it all.

what i mean to say is... 1) all we need is Jesus. and 2) i think He has given me all that i have so that i may use it to take Him to others.

everything happens for a reason.

make any sense at all?

i love being home because it means i get to cook.

2008-05-13T15:51:00.001-07:00

since i have been home, i have made many many meals for many different people.

banana pudding for my friends.

tuna melts for my little brother.

mexican casserole for the family.

and tonight im making bbq shrimp cabobs and bbq fish on the grill with spinach, trash corn, and green beans.

i love cooking for people. especially for the people i love.

i am going to write a cookbook one day. i know it. i should start now.

healthy yummy tuna salad...

one can tuna (in water)
1 small tbsp olive oil mayonaise
2-3 tbsp Jacks Special Mild Salsa
1-2 tbsp sweet relish
chopped banana peppers
chopped carrots
chopped cucumber
chopped celery
salt and pepper to taste

mix and serve over a roughly chopped bed of spinach.

if youre serving to kids... scoop onto wheat bread and top with cheddar cheese. bake until cheese is bubbly and melted. (you can even lay a few leaves of spinach under tuna and hide it... they will never know!)

enjoy : )

"i am not my hair." -india arie

2008-05-05T22:52:00.000-07:00

today marks a new day for me. or tonight i guess i should say.

i have struggled with image and self esteem, beauty and worth my whole life. i have been raised in a family that holds image in high esteem and a culture thats standards of beauty are unreachable. i have struggled to find beauty and be beauty in more ways than one. i have cried, hurt, dieted, dyed, conformed, starved, and anguished day after day to be something that the world tells me i should be. i was raised on barbies and disney princesses that were perfect and flawless. i always knew i was beautiful, but i didnt believe i was beautiful.

the world's standard of beauty is sick, twisted, and deceiving. the enemy has used media and culture to tarnish the true meaning of beauty, made by God in His image for His glory and purpose.

for 19 years i have lived under a false canopy of lies, seeking my worth in the world's definition of beauty, failing to meet the mark over and over again. but today, i shaved my head.

i refuse to allow the enemy to win the fight any longer. for my mom, for my sister, for my niece, for my future daughters, for the women of this polluted and searching world, see that there is freedom and beauty in who the Lord has made us to be and what He has made us to be. tonight i let go of my hair, which has been my glory and pride for far too long.

i refuse to submit to the world's standard of beauty any longer.

i feel free. i feel pure. i feel beautiful. thank you Jesus for this freedom (that has been mine all along).

shout out... Maddie McConnell! woo woo! thanks girl : )

hahaha...

2008-04-17T07:45:00.001-07:00

wish that you knew me 3 years ago? haha. not. anyways, here is my XANGA. yes. my xanga from high school. enjoy. and laugh.

http://www.xanga.com/nellebelle77

what a wonderful life

2008-04-15T16:49:00.000-07:00

as i sit here in one of my special corners of the library, i cant help but bask and rejoice in the fact that i am so blessed and content to be exactly where i am. content as in... im fully satisifed. not at where i am... but where im going. make sense? let me explain...

this year, this semester, even these last few weeks and days... have marked huge periods of learning in my life. im not a learner, at least book wise. honestly, i do what i can to get by. im not one for studying or academic-ness. not my thing. but i love learning from adventure, journey, and experience... and the Lord is continually romancing me with new ideas, inspirations, dreams, goals, and lessons yet to be learned (by me). He is constantly challenging me, and changing me.

so when i say that i am content and satisfied, it does not mean that i like where i am and therefore dont want to move from this spot. yes i do love where i am, literally and figuratively... but what i love about "where i am" is that its never the same place. every second i feel like im being pushed to run faster, dig deeper, and all the way i am wandering on and off the path, gazing at new horizons, and glimpsing different views of all the possibilities in front of. this is rambled.

in short... life is good because God is good-er.

that was only the pre-face to all the more that i have to say...

there is so much freedom in speaking the truth. its like the saying, "when there is light, there can be no darkness." well, when there is truth, there can be deceit. just think... the enemy is continually throwing lies at us... often playing the same old record over and over and over again. sometimes, at least in my own experience, i choose (keyword) to accept the lies and sit in them... in fact... in a sense... i embrace the lies. ive even allowed the lies to become my identity in the past. but... as soon as you speak the truth... as soon as you claim truth, God's truth, the lies are gone. what does the enemy have on you when Gods truth is present (especially if he is lying)? none. a huge lie we choose to believe... is that the lies themselves are truths. but they arent. so... when the enemy tells me "such in such lie", i have to declare what i know to be truth. i may not even believe in the "such in such truth" that im trying to declare, but i believe in God and know Him to be truth... so i must declare that much... that God is truth and truth is freedom... and the enemy has nothing on me... or you.

there is so much more to share, to spill. waiting on lots of confirmation. you will hear... as soon as i do.

good evening friends.

im perfectly puzzled...

2008-04-11T09:26:00.000-07:00

yesterday, as expressed earlier, was a day of ups and downs, finally resulting in a moment of humbling self-revelation. it was a beautiful thing, and a beautiful day that through many series of fortunate and in my eyes, unfortunate events, the Lord would choose to teach me, guide me, and love me.

and this morning, i awake with anticipation for the day ahead. i am renewed and ready to rejoice and at the events to come... my dr appt, my job interview, and passion. its a funny thing when you trust God, but secretly, you think you know what Hes doing, so when He does something else, youre hurt, confused, scared, angry...

as most of you know, my foot has been fractured for about 5 months now. a small fracture. very small. a bone that i dont even need. but due to my procrastination... i only began treatment, the infamous boot, 5 weeks ago. well... this past week i told God that i really trusted Him, i told Him over again that i trusted Him to heal me. so when the doctor pressed into my foot and i felt pain, and when i saw the still fractured bone on the xray... i was confused. i still am. yes, i trust God, but i trust Him to do what i think He will do. but should trusting God, or trusting anyone for that matter, look like that? shouldnt trust be blind and unexpecting? trust is having no expectation because you are trusting that no matter what, youre best is in His mind. its expecting His best for yourself, without any expectation. i trusted that my best was in His mind, that my best looked like a healed foot. hah. i guess i was wrong. instead i walked out of the doctors office with an appointment at an MRI clinic and the 3 prospectives of crutches, a cast, or surgery. but this time, i trust Him. at least, im trying to.

deciding on my summer plans has been a task. i have jumped from country to country to job to idea to journey, each time asking God "is this what you want?" or just assuming that is was. continually He has redirected my plans from kenya to swaziland to morocco to the middle east to milledgeville and then back to alpharetta. now as i realize that my foot may be wrapped in plaster or cut open for the beginning of my summer... all the things i wanted to do for Him and myself, such as working, traveling, and even excercising, no longer seem like very feesible options. in fact, if i do end up in a cast or having surgery, all i will be able to do is rest. funny. depsite all my plans... He is asking me to rest. am i that distracted and busy that He has to break my foot to make me rest and be still?

in 5 minutes i will get in my car and drive to passion 08. this time last year, at passion 07, the Lord was calling me to africa, and the passion conference played a huge role in my realization of that. this year, as i prepare to go and learn and listen... i have no idea what to expect. but i am sure that it will involve some heart change. i pray for that. i feel like all of the sudden, i am very vulnerable. and this is good... and scary... but He is about to do a new thing. a very new thing. i know this.

all you need is love.

2008-04-10T18:58:00.000-07:00

i have been anticipating writing this specific blog for some time now... and now that i sit here, i cannot even begin to think of what to write. my fingers are eager to type, but my mind is on pause mode... or something like that.

therefore... warning... this is going to be a rambling mess of something...

this past week has been a week marked with revelation, truth, and overwhelming mercy. not to mention that with all this i have been so humbled, over and over again.

Tuesday night was a night that the Lord graciously chose to answer a cry for truth. in His mercy, He met myself and 6 other girls exactly where we were, in our doubt and questions, He tangibly showed us His truth. there are a lot of things i have been seeing and experiencing this year that often cause/d me to feel uncomfortable... asking myself, "God, is this really you? is this really the way you intended for it to be?" but im telling you, ask for truth and He will reveal Himself to you, for He is truth. question all that is before you by seeking Him. He is faithful to answer any and all pursuits of truth. for He is truth, and how can He deny a cry out for His own name?

the truth is humbling. very. as experienced once again today...

so i was driving to atlanta from milledgeville this evening, and God totally, in His graciousness, allowed me to recognize something huge. i began praying... and this flood of built-up dialogue began to spill out. the Lord began beckoning me to love people... as He loves them. hah. something that for the past 19 years i thought i was doing so well. but today i realized how much i have failed in doing. i am constantly surrounded by "christian" things and people. for so long i have prided myself in being this "good girl" who is involved in all things churchy and christian. i have become a protoype for the christian machine. somewhere along the line, i got it mixed up, possibly in my retreat from all things "un-holy", and i hid in this bubble of Christianity... secretly losing the heart of Christ... loving everyone... kind of. its not that ive been heartless... but my love hasnt been heartfelt either. my love has been by duty and obligation. i have marked everything "holy" in my life with a bible verse... thus secluding the majority of the world from really enjoying it. why do i feel that i have to put a bible verse on every piece of art, discussion, and profile? cliche... but the quote of st. francis- "share the gospel at all times, use words if necessary" is so true. why i do i feel like labeling my art with a bible verse will bring more glory to God. surely it will bring Him glory, for all things bring Him glory in some way or other. but just the fact that His word inspired the work itself should bring Him glory. what i mean to say is that i have created this divide... this monster in my life. i have worked so hard to be a "christian" that ive forgotten to be like Christ. thus the beginning of a new journey begins... as the Lord invites me to follow Him, and learn, really actually re-learn, how to love. for who am i to mark things as holy and unholy. ALL things are made by God, ALL people made from the same dirt in the same image, in His image.

if you skipped all of the above, just get this... i am learning so much from my Father. i am loving every moment. i want more truth. i beg for truth in my life. but as the truth is revealed... so are the lies. in with the new and out with the old.

on the lighter side of things... im going to passion 08 this weekend and cant imagine anything more wonderful. a weekend spent with my best friend as we sit, learn, and listen together. splendid.

dr appt in the morning... prayers and jitters.

a new name

2008-04-05T13:57:00.000-07:00

how can the love of One be so great?

so overwhelming?

so consuming?

so perfect?

how can it have no rules?

no regulations?

no conditions?

how can it be so blind?

yet so intentional?

personal?

and specific?

how can it be endless?

infinite?

and beginning-less?

how can the love of this One be so great, that even amongst all the questions, i don't question it?

i have been given a new name.

"Hephzibah" He calls me.

"My Delight Is in Her" He means.

on the prompting and teaching of others, i have come to a realization of a realization. why do i feel that i must label every thing in my life, art, writing, work, play, love, objects, and such with a biblical reference? yes, ALL things are of Him. so why do i feel that i must label, or declare certain things, as such. my labeling isn't necessarily done to specifically label, but as a way to point to my Father, from which ALL good things come. but... when i do this... i am labeling such things as "holy"... leaving other things... unholy? hence, i have been made aware of a divide that i find myself very responsible for implementing in my life. unintentionally, or rather unknowingly, i have implemented this "sacred/secular divide" in multiple areas of my life. and yes, as this may point to my Father, does it also point others away... those who need to find Him most?

i am not the person i was when applying to gcsu... when moving into the dorms... when registering for 2nd semester classes... when sharing Christmas breakfast with my family... when relaxing over spring break... when waking up this morning. every minute He changes me, challenges me, humbles me, meets me, and spurs me on to move, to grow, to live and to be alive. really alive. i have been called to live, and really be alive. and with this life of living, comes adventure.

this blog is way overdue... hence its a compilation of random thoughts, none really going together or matching up. but... all working together for a greater purpose than myself.

just words.

2008-03-31T13:29:00.000-07:00

"It is dangerous thing, being born."

i watched the movie the kite runner this past weekend. and this quote stuck out to me. think about it.

speaking of kites in muslim countries... i am very intrigued. i know that i want to do missions and be in ministry. its one of the many things that i want to do, but i think that among all of the many other things i want to in my life, they somehow all fall under the larger category of ministry. shouldn't everything i do be some sort of ministry/mission? shouldn't my life be a ministry? yes...

i added something to my 'list of things to do before i die' the other day. i want to write a cookbook. not just a cookbook that i pass on to my kids one day of all grandmas recipes. i mean a serious get-myself-published kind of cookbook.

my first recipe:

Trash Corn

4 stalks of fresh sweet corn

1 bunch of cilantro

1/2 red onion

1 tbsp brown sugar

1/2 tablespoon minced garlic

1 tbsp olive oil

1 fresh jalepeno

6 pieces of maple smoked bacon

Heat saucepan with oil, garlic, and onion. After a few minutes, add chopped bacon. Stir and cook until bacon is lightly-browned. Add diced jalepeno and corn (cut off cobb). Stir. Add brown sugar. Stir over heat until bacon is cooked all the way through. Top with cilantro and serve.

and the adventure begins...

2008-03-03T08:33:00.000-08:00

this is my blog. woo woo.

i want this to be really serious, profound, and thought-provoking... but if its anything like me (bc i am the one writing it)... it will probably be more exaggerated, odd, and jumbled than anything else.

its 2nd semester of my freshman year in college, and i just had one of the most in depth and honest conversations with my mom, ever. we're really close, but the more i learn, and the more im growing up, the more i think my family doesnt understand me. its ok. im different from a lot of people, i understand that. i love my family a lot. they just dont get me all the time. maybe bc they are still living in the ideal-suburban-gated-comfortable-community... and im not. i am... sometimes... but God is trying to take me somewhere new.

new theme of my life as of last tuesday... "I AM doing a new thing! do you {noelle} not perceive it?" -isaiah 43:18

im learning a lot. most of which is about... sacrifice. prayer. His glory. leadership. love. His character. myself as His. relationships. and the more i learn... the more i realize i have yet to learn. the curtain metaphor is a perfect illustration to the way im viewing life/God right now... the curtain before me is open maybe a few centimeters... if im lucky, and has an infinite amount of miles to go. thats how BIG my God is. and im loving it. i want to know more.

but along with knowing more... i realize there comes sacrifice. today i asked God for some truth... and He reminded me that with His truth comes truth about myself and my sin. truth isnt always beautiful... but its truth, and truth is light, and where there is light there can be no darkness.

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert... for I give water in the wilderness, rivers in the desert, to give drink to my chosen people, the people whom I formed for myself that they might declare my praise."

isaiah 43:18-21

this passage came to me at the most perfect time in my life. a time recently when i was very much dwelling on many things of the past, perceiving nothing new nor good to come. and the Lord basically commanded me to pick myself up and see the great things He was doing and preparing for me and me for.

and...

a common theme in my life these last few months is the "wilderness". a very good and wise friend spoke that over me; that i am very much in the wilderness as were the people that God brought out of egypt through Moses. he freed them from slavery, and had to take them through the wilderness before they could enter the promised land. this is my life!

i perceive something much greater ahead of me, and the Lord has freed me from the chains that bound me... i am free from slavery! but as He is making a way for to the promised land... i must endure the wilderness, a place, that like the egyptians recognized, is not easy. my wilderness consists of very dry stages, and lots of my sin being brought to the surface. its not an easy place to be... but He has promised me water, rivers in the desert! He will make a way. i must travel through this place to get to the greater thing He is doing.

there will be many wildernesses in my life... i hope. bc in this time, i am learning so much.

and the end of the passage says that He provides water and rivers to His chosen people, so that they may PRAISE Him. all this is for His glory.

something else He is teaching me... (from north point's canvas series) "His main priority is His glory." -andy stanley

...not for my best, nor His great plans for me, but His glory.

all of this He is doing so that He may be glorified. thats intense... an honor... way humbling... and very cool.